Teachers.Net Focus Session - Stalking, Up Close or on the Internet

Teachers.Net Focus
Friday June 25, 1999
Stalking
Up Close or on the Internet
Protecting Yourself
with
Personal Safety Trainer
Leslie "Sunnie" Bowman

*SUNNIE* - i have a lot of info on stalking for ya'll tonight
*SUNNIE* - i also have a lot of good websites-----so you might want to get a pen and paper---or be prepared to bookmark some sites
Mike - Great I am putting together a program for parents in conjunction with my local poilice dept about safe internet surfing
*SUNNIE* - that's great mike---what state are you in?? central va here----near richmond
*SUNNIE* - i'll give you a little background while we're waiting for the slowpokes :-)
*SUNNIE* - i taught k-3 for 15 yrs------4 yrs ago became registered in va with dept of criminal justice services as a private investigator------also got my instructor certificate in self defense----and have been doing research and wrote a 100 page manual to go with personal safety course
*SUNNIE* - i'll start withsome statistics----forgive typos please cause i'm typing just as fast as i can go :-)
*SUNNIE* - about 1 in 12 american women and 1 in 45 men have been stalking victims - 53% are reported to police - 12% of all result in criminal prosecution
*SUNNIE* - about 1/4 of female and all male victims obtain retraining orders against their stalkers - 69% of women and 81% of men with restraining orders said their stalkers violated the order
*SUNNIE* - duration of the stalking ranged from 1 month to 20 years
Cheryl/Va - those statistics are pretty scary
Mike - Sunnie - Where are these statistics from? Do they cover just the US?
*SUNNIE* - most statutes define stalking as the willful, malicious, and repeated following and harassing of another person
*SUNNIE* - mike i got these statistics off some of the sites i'm going to give you later-----i hope everyone will check them out-----there is way too much info for me to cover much of it here in an hour
Beverly - If you know of someone being stalked, is there anything a friend (of the person being stalked) can do?
*SUNNIE* - in adition to a pattern of conduct, many state laws mandate that an imminent and crediblethreat of violence be made against the victim for the activity to be considered stalking
Cheryl/Va - Sunnie, I think teachers have their share of people stalking them. i had a parent show up at my door once
*SUNNIE* - even victims who are not physicallly harmed suffer greatly in terms of fear, anxiety and the disruption of their daily lives
*SUNNIE* - i think it's important that you understand the pattern of what victims go thru
*SUNNIE* - first they usually deny the problem at first-which puts them at a disadvantage
*SUNNIE* - then they try to bargain with their stalkers---this establishes a dangerous precedent of allowing him to control their actions
*SUNNIE* - then anxiety and exhaustion set in - sometimes with depression - victims start to blame themselves - eventually they get angry - finally they just accept what life has become
*SUNNIE* - therefore--interestingly enuf--it is the victim---not the stalker ----whose behavior has to change
*SUNNIE* - it's not fair----and people don't like hearing this-----but if you want to protect yourself and yourloved ones------then that's the reality
*SUNNIE* - starting at the beginning is the best place--------if you don't want to pursue a relationship you have to say so right up front and early on
Mike - is this with personal (meaning in person) stalkers or internet stalkers as well?
*SUNNIE* - mike----there's a little difference in online stalking----i'll get to that in a minute :-)
Beverly - My child's teacher was being stalked and she had to leave town before school was out. She said she will be back when school starts. Is that wishful thinking or can it happen?
Carol/tx - Sunnie - I went through this my last year in college, he was so good and had everything planned out so well that the police could not even catch him. After moving several times, I finally had to leave the state
*SUNNIE* - you have to be direct and clear-----even if it's not comfortable to do so
*SUNNIE* - carol and beverly there are things that victims can do.....
*SUNNIE* - as soon as you see someone is being overly persistent, you need to take the matter seriously
*SUNNIE* - removing yourself from the stalker's reach should be your top priority
*SUNNIE* - believe it or not---you should not change your phone number - instead---you should get a second # that you give to only closest friends and put answering machine on first # - this allows the stalker to vent his frustrations on tape instead of on you - and besides----every time he leaves a message he gets the message that you can resist his harrassment - it's also an excellent way to document calls - getting a new number doesn't help because he can get it - if you keep an answering machine on the # he already has----he'll never know you got a new # - it is also suggested that your answering machine not have your voice leaving the message----nor a male's voice-----both can cause escalation of stalker's intentions and frame of mind---instead let a female friend record your message----and never never pick up the phone when the stalker calls
Beverly - Carol, were you ever able to go back?
Carol/tx - It began as phone calls, then progressed to my name being called from a field behind my home. After that he began leaving things on my door step, such as: a baseball bat, rubber hose, etc.
Carol/tx - No, Beverly, I could never return.
myrt/tx - what about phone traps done by the phone co???
*SUNNIE* - myrt that's where law enforcement comes in--you have to have their cooperation and that differs from state to state
*SUNNIE* - let's go for a few minutes to online stalking
*SUNNIE* - cyberstalking usually occurs with women----and newbies to the interne
Mike - you mean women being the ones who are stalked?
*SUNNIE* - right mike-----women, children----and usually the ones who are new to the internet and do not know internet *netiquette*
*SUNNIE* - the stalker online feelsl empowered by the anonymity
*SUNNIE* - believe it or not the majority of online stalking does not occur in cyber sex and pick up rooms-----because - the people who go in there know what they're getting into and know how to handle it
Tee - so sunnie where does it occur?
*SUNNIE* - predators---both of children and women----go to rooms where women and childlren feel safe and are more likely to give out personal info
*SUNNIE* - there are some things you can do to protect yourself: - first do not respond to *flaming* which is online provocation
Barb - Like here?
Mama B - like the teacher chat room?
*SUNNIE* - this would be a good place for a predator to search for a victim--yes - that's why i'm always so suspicious :-)
Mama B - elaborate on flaming, please
*SUNNIE* - flaming is when comments are made to you----usually via private messaging
*SUNNIE* - these comments can be sexual in nature---or insulting------or simply too many personal questions
*SUNNIE* - flaming is a provocation of inappropriate comments
Tee - would they not ask your name first? be nice at first then annoying as time goes on?
*SUNNIE* - not necessarily tee
*SUNNIE* - another way to protect yourself is to use a genderless screen name - also never flirt online unless you are prepared for the consequences
Carol/tx - What can be done if the stalker continues to log on in a different name - thereby, making it impossible to be blocked
*SUNNIE* - save any offending messages---which we all know kat and bob do----both on screen and all private messages are kept here
*SUNNIE* - carol you can always ask site admins to look up log in's to see if the same person is coming in under more than one name---but you need to have legitimate reason for asking this
*SUNNIE* - you have to remember that online predators want to gain your trust---they are nice, personable and usually very charming
Mike - I know the police work with AOL to obtain that info and a complaint doesn't even need to be signed
*SUNNIE* - ok here are some excellent websites and all have links to others
*SUNNIE* - the first one---and one i am training to do investigating online with is http://www.cyberangels.org
*SUNNIE* - another is http://www.smalltime.com/notvictims/
*SUNNIE* - another is http://www.nvc.org
*SUNNIE* - there are also 2 books i highly recommend---by Gavin De Becker---he also has a website http://www.gdbinc.com/
*SUNNIE* - *The Gift of Fear* and *Protecting The Gift*

*SUNNIE* - cyberangels is working on a cyber 911 line -----at present they have instant email to report or ask for help
*SUNNIE* - i'd like to point out here that it is very easy to get personal info about people just from general conversations online in a chat room
Mike - There is also one by Parry Aftab about safe internet surfing...it referenced on the cyberangles site
*SUNNIE* - the cyberangels site works in conjunction with the fbi setting up stings for child pornographers and child molesters
*SUNNIE* - there's one more really good site - http://www.stalkingvictims.com/
*SUNNIE* - that one is the stalking victim's sanctuary-----has more resources than i could name in 4 hours :-)
Leo/uae - Sunnie, to what extent should we trust random chatters on ICQ??
*SUNNIE* - leo----you have to be careful anywhere-------remember that ANYONE can get access to a computer and to chat rooms
*SUNNIE* - predators online specifically look for trusting people for their victims - the essence of stalking is CONTROL
Mike - what about the internet and the use of it in the school?
Mike - What is the best way to protect out students?
Karen - Is there some way we can recognize a stalker online?
*SUNNIE* - mike protecting students can be done by giving them online safety tips-----but it would be better to make it a mandatory class in every school
*SUNNIE* - not really karen---that's why you have to be very careful not to give out personal info
*SUNNIE* - cyberangels gives online classes for kids and adults in all these areas
bette/tx - sunnie i think that is important i tell my children that ... daughters boyfriend gave someone his phone number and name on line
eimmik - what do you do when you feel you have gone to far in an "internet relationship"...you were in it and are ready to get out...however you had an equal part to it up till then....but you need out
Kim/KS/8th - Sunnie, you stated earlier that there had to be a threat of violence for it to be considered stalking (not internet). Does the threat have to be verbalized?
*SUNNIE* - eimmik the best way is to say so to the person up front, directly and clearly--then to have no further contact whatsoever
Mary K&1 - Chat Rooms are blocked by the Internet filters that schools use - Students aren't in chat rooms during school hours in my neck of the woods, how about the rest of you?
*SUNNIE* - kim that varies from state to state-----one of the sites i gave has stalking laws for each state---
Kim/KS/8th - Mary, no chat rooms for our students!
*SUNNIE* - one thing to keep in mind about stalkers---both personal and online ... stalkers want attention more than anything else and they want control of their victims
eimmik - filters should block any type of chatroom in schools...if not the school board should be contacted
myrt/tx - and filters must be updated daily.
Skye - When we log on and off, our ISP is displayed. Can someone track us down through this?
Mary K&1 - Sunnie, did you run across any stats concerning the % of online schools that use a filter?
Mike - I've tried blocking them, but they also have access to so many free email accounts
Carol/tx - Some of our students have found a way around every filter that the ISD has put on - it has been changed and updated three times.
*SUNNIE* - if a stalker calls you 15 times and you finally talk to him the 16th time or send a message thru someone else--then you have played right into his hands---he has gotten what he wants------contact with you-----and the price was 15 calls-------think about it
Mama B - What type of personal information should you not give out in a chat room such as teachers.chat?
*SUNNIE* - students may be blocked at school--but there are ways around that----and they can get internet access elsewhere
*SUNNIE* - mama b that is an excellent question----and the answer is really very simple----it's INSTINCT
myrt/tx - would you give more specifics about boundaries?
*SUNNIE* - personal info thru our chat room is usually by referral if you think about it
Kim/KS/8th - If a stalker sends messages to you through another person, can that person be held responsible?
eimmik - sunnie...so basically the victim is doubled victimized because of having to change his/her lifestyle as well as the expense of another phone line, answering machine etc.....
Mama B - As safe as I feel in there, I have certain reservations about certain people and I just go my by instinct
*SUNNIE* - unfair but true eimmik----until the laws change
wiggs - what do you mean by referral?
Leo/uae - Sunnie, what do you think about teachers who keep changing their neck names in the Teachers' chatroom??
*SUNNIE* - if a person invades your personal space physically IRL (in real life) your instinct warns you to be careful------people online can invade your personal space as well
eimmik - what can be done about on line stalkers legally?
*SUNNIE* - wiggs some of us are easily checked up on LOL like me for instance----you all know my real name and where i live-------you can check up on anyone------if we all look out for each other-----then chances are a predator will not last long in here
Karen - do you think its unsafe to have an online resume? is that too much personal info?
*SUNNIE* - eimmik i'm not totally up on the international internet laws------i keep referring you back to cyberangels-------they have all the info on that---and they're set up to help anyone who has a problem online
wiggs - how can someone be an online stalker sunnie?
*SUNNIE* - karen i know a lot of people who have online resumes-----it's personal choice----but you have to remember that ANYONE can have access to that info
Mike - Our district has said no last name of students on our web pages...yet they will print first and last names of students in the newspapers.
bette/tx - sunnie what do you do if you are stalked say on the internet..what are the steps to protect yourself
Skye - Sunnie, when we log on and log off, our ISP is displayed. Can someone find out our names through this?
*SUNNIE* - internet crime is very new comparatively speaking------law enforcement is just now getting into ways to deal with it
eimmik - and newspapers are accessed via the web mike!
*SUNNIE* - skye some people know how to do that-----there are some good hackers out there
*SUNNIE* - you have to remember tho---that online stalkers actively search for victims---trusting victims------it's highly unlikely that someone would get your real name and where you live for no reason---without getting some sign from you thru personal contact online
*SUNNIE* - the biggest danger on line is obviously to children
Mike - Visit these sites and read the information on them...they all basically say the same things and if you think about it, a lot of it is common sense too.
eimmik - sunnie i think every educator and parent should have that story about that girl who gave out simple info and was tracked down by her chatter who turns out to be an officer making a point...do you know where we might find that on the web to get it circulating again?
Skye - eimmik, try http://chainletters.org/archive/shannon.shtml
*SUNNIE* - wiggs an online predator is someone who looks for victims and pursues an online and possibly personal trusting relationship to get what they want
Mama B - Thanks for good information. You have made me stop and think and I hope some of the others will do the same!!!!
Kristie - I know this may sound stupid, but if we "trust" each other here, how might we know if someone is stalking us here??
*SUNNIE* - eimmik i have it--i could send it to kat
*SUNNIE* - it's like mike said----you have to use common sense----but online you have to be even more careful
wiggs - mike, sunnie what are the sites that you referred to?
*SUNNIE* - kristie----it's a hard call sometimes----we've all been conned more than once in here
*SUNNIE* - wiggs the best site for children and adults----for reporting internet harrassment and for taking classes on internet safety----is www.cyberangels.org
Kristie - I know and i here it from my parents all the time about who i should/ not talk too
Katie - I'm new to chat room use. I need some basic info on safety
wiggs - and if you suspect harrassment, just report it to this web site?
*SUNNIE* - katie i would suggest that everyone take the *newbies* internet class thru cyberangels
*SUNNIE* - yes wiggs----they have a place to report harrassment
*SUNNIE* - you have to remember also that there are people out there-children as well as adults---who surf chat rooms
Mike - Cyberangels really is a terrific and extensive site! Can answer almost all these questions.
*SUNNIE* - because of the nature of this teachersnet site----we are incredibly safe compared to a majority of others
Leo/uae - Sunnie, Is it possible that some sites who provide free stuff steal documents from our hard disks??????
Kristie - I know, but sometimes some scary ones find their way in
*SUNNIE* - carol check the cyberangels site----that's a wonderful resource for children------they list safe sites and unsafe sites----and all the safe kids sites are constantly monitored
*SUNNIE* - leo i don't know much about that--and what i've read i don't really understand---but yes--it can be done
bette/tx - sunnie do most stalkers know their victims or not i don't mean through internet but in real life??
Mike - Leo, some of those sites load a "cookie" on your hard drive to keep track of how many times you visit their site, etc. usually used just for market research
*SUNNIE* - bette yes with personal stalking-----in some way the predator knows the victim
*SUNNIE* - mike i was just reading about *cookies* and how it's a good idea to remove them
*SUNNIE* - i'm going to get hubby to work on *cookies* this weekend LOL
wiggs - sunnie, do you do inservices for school districts?
*SUNNIE* - i sure do wiggs-----
wiggs - and how would one go about getting information for your presentation....
*SUNNIE* - if you go to cyberangels website-----be prepared to spend some time looking thru everything------and especially their list of classes online----if you have any questions they have email to use---and are very good about answering emails
*SUNNIE* - wiggs i can email you a resume and list of seminar topics---i do about 15 diff seminars-----for kids--parents---pta-----teens----and teachers
Mike - Look for info on new to the internet...there is also a web site to learn all about the net ...i believe the site is http://www.learnthenet.com/english/index.html
wiggs - that would be great sunnie...now tell me about those cookies
*SUNNIE* - ask mike about the cookies---i have no clue
wiggs - mike...about those cookies?
Leo/uae - Sunnie, is there anything that you want to say, but wasn't asked by the teachers???
Mike - Cookies are a file that gets downloaded to your hard drive when you visit some sites. Sometimes it is just a file that lets the site you are visiting that you have previously been there or it might hold your password or something.

A "cookie" is a small amount of information that a web site copies to your hard disk. A cookie can help a web site identify you the next time you visit. For instance, if you shop for books online, the bookstore's web site might use a cookie to store information about your favorite subjects, and later use that information to recommend particular books.
You can set your browser to accept cookies or not, or warn you every time so that you can decide if you want to accept it.

*SUNNIE* - the only thing i would say is that personal safety ----online and irl----is common sense and intuition--------internet is a whole new world----and safety is as important there-if not more so--than IRL
myrt/tx - how to rid puter of cookies?
wiggs - how do you get rid of cookies... i have seen the word somewhere on my computer...but found it by accident...and didn't know what it meant....
Mike - On a mac, you just trash it! Do a file find for cookie or magic cookie
*SUNNIE* - check out this site about cookie--from the federal trade commission http://www.ftc.gov/bcp/conline/pubs/online/sitesee/index.html#COOKIE
Leo/uae - myrt, I think you have to disable the cookies from your computer
wiggs - how about gateway puter?
*SUNNIE* - you have to look in your hard drive to find cookies
PB&J - SUNNIE, thank you very much!!!! I am a "NEWBIE" and i have learned much. You presented much useful info. see you later. thank you again.
wiggs - and then delete it sunnie?
Katie - do cookies get stored in your temp. internet files?
Kristie - Do you think that the majority of the people that chat are generally good natured and safe or are the tables turned
*SUNNIE* - kristie---the majority of people are generally ok
Leo/uae - Sunnie you were wonderful.....thank you very much for the valuable information you presented..We are looking for more interesting meetings like this
*SUNNIE* - even the people who come in here wanting a *wild time* are just misplaced :-)
Carol/tx - thankyou so much for everything, Sunnie and room. Goodnight.
Mike - I was exploring Cu Seeme to use with my classes. I was talking to a school in Hawaii, A school in Africa, and all of a sudden There was a picture of a naked man on the screen.
Mike - Won't be using that again any time soon!
*SUNNIE* - it happens mike
*SUNNIE* - the very best way to get rid of unwanted people in a chat room is to totally ignore them--unfortunately there's always someone who will talk to them
Kristie - It seems so strange that you feel as if you know someone, but it's all a lie
Mike - Thanks you for the info. I appreciate it.
*SUNNIE* - if they get the attention they want--they will stay and return
myrt/tx - we have all experienced that Kristie.
*SUNNIE* - kristie----it happens---but it is the exception to the rule
Mike - I had to call parents and explain what happened. It has turned me off to using it unless I can be 100% sure of who I am hooking up with
Skye - When I am in a chatroom, I turn off my instant messenger feature on AOL. I've had people harass me on it before.
*SUNNIE* - mike can't you check out the sites at home before using them at school
Kristie - i know that from now on i'll be much more careful------it just takes one scare
*SUNNIE* - skye there is a feature that allows you to block messages from people who are not on your list
Mike - Oh, believe me, I will now!!!! It only takes once
*SUNNIE* - mike i would be interested in seeing what you pull together to use for your class
Skye - Really? I'll have to look into that. My dad gets frustrated when I have it off and he wants to reach me.
Mike - It's funny now, but when it happened.....I was sooooo mad!
myrt/tx - sunnie, I sure appreciate all this info. Thank You.
Katie - Mike-I have a camera in school too, and have never (yet) used it...same fears
wiggs - now about that email address sunnie
Mike - Would be glad to show it to you? How can I reach you?
*SUNNIE* - in fact i have an email that's not our home email LOL i don't care who gets it----Sunnie_va@yahoo.com feel free to email me
Kristie - skye, are you talking about the teachers.net site, and how do they get your screen name for IM?
Skye - I don't know how they got it, Kristie. I was on Teacher.Net, and it was really weird to suddenly get this instant message from a stranger claiming to know me.
Skye - Since then, I have been really careful what I say. Like I said, I've turned off the instant message feature.
*SUNNIE* - there are also ways to block people on im and yahoo
Kristie - sunnie, that is a very good idea---hotmail is a good place to get an account
Leo/uae - Thanks Sunnie, what would you say to those who send their pictures on the internet??
*SUNNIE* - LOL leo--just know who you are sending them to
myrt/tx - what about photo posts like the Cherokee gathering???
*SUNNIE* - myrt that's a hard call------we have to remember that anyone in the world has access to that
Leo/uae - LOL. Sunnie...... Now I can send it to you!!
*SUNNIE* - leo---i'll send you one back - i'll send it as soon as we finish here leo - in fact i'll send you pics of the whole family LOL
Leo/uae - Sunnie, that would be great!LOL
Skye - Maybe. It bothered me, though. I felt like that person was invading my space.
Kristie - It's happened to me, on the teachers.net with PM's
Katie - when people in the chat room talk about PMs -are they refering to using IM?
Skye - Yes, me too, Kristie. Those I just ignore.
*SUNNIE* - katie-no that is the private message feature in the chat room
Kristie - The internet is a scary place, but then so is the world---its good to be cautious, but we can't be terrified all of the time---its just like leaving the house
Kristie - Thank you sunnie, youve made me much more aware---i really appreciate it!!
Katie - Thanks! I only got to be here a little while, but got some great help!
Skye - Thank you Sunnie!!!!! Great job!
Mary K&1 - Thanks Sunnie, for another great session
*SUNNIE* - thank you mary----and everyone---for being here
*SUNNIE* - goodnight all :-)