I can kind of see Kohns point for older children, but with
a DD just leaving toddlerhood, I have to say this-toddlers
are a LOT more like animals than they are like, say 6-7 yr
olds.
For my DD, having things structured even if she doesn't
want them is important. Because while she will insist, up
and down, that she doesn't NEED a nap after lunch, if I
send her to her room and make her lie down and be quiet,
within an hour, she'll be happy, cheerful, and ready to go
until bedtime. If I don't, she'll be cranky and upset, and
often fall asleep on the floor at 5:00-6:00, then not sleep
that night and be cranky the next day. It's part of my job,
as mommy to a 3 yr old, to keep her on a regular sleep
schedule because, at age 3, she's not capable of doing so
herself yet.
As far as timeouts, for my child, a time out is needed SO
THAT she can work through a situation rationally, because
her first reaction is to cry, scream, and generally get
very upset. For example, she's drawing a picture of
dinosaurs eating trees and one of the trees spills over
onto the playroom carpet. I comment "PLease keep your
drawing on paper", and she looks, sees what she's done, and
immediately starts crying and screaming. What's really
going on is that she's upset at herself. She knows the
rules, she tries to be good, and she truly didn't notice
that, in her drawing zone, she'd spilled off the paper. Her
reaction is mostly anger at herself and frustration at
herself because something she was enjoying had been ruined.
Sending her to her chair for a short time-out lets her
scream and cry and work through her emotions so that then
we can look at the damage, she can suggest what to do
(clean it up), and we can clean up the mess and go on. BUt
that short time out is needed because, at 3, she's still
operating on emotion first, rational thought later.
When she's 5, 6, 7, she may not need the time out first,
and be able to move to the logical consequence. But at 3,
she's simply not rational yet.
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