I am the mother of 4 boys. My oldest has always been
compliant and easy to deal with. My second son has been
labled as ADHD/ODD/bipolar and dyslexic - needless to say,
he's extremely high spirited and VERY determined to live
life on his own terms. My third son is my stepson who
suffers from Attachment Disorder.
All 3 of my oldest sons were raised by the Super Nanny'ish
methods. Routine, consistency, consequences, time outs,
etc. We have shamed them for "bad" and "naughty"
behaviors, rewarded their "good choices" and controlled
their every move - after all, adults are to be "in
charge", right? And, just as I do not ask my dog if his
food is acceptable or what his opinion is on the leash
color I've selected.
My 14 year old is incapable of thinking for himself. He
is easily led (thus, controlled) and an honor student. A
perfect child, no? My 9 year old son and my 8 year old
stepson both have to be monitored SUPER closely because
they are virtually incapable of making a "good choice"
unless someone in a position of authority is watching
them. They argue, bicker, fist fight, try everything in
their limited power to control each other's every move.
They also back talk (trying to get the last word) and have
learned sarcasm inside & out.
Then I read Alfie Kohn. And I opened my mind and heart to
an entirely different style of parenting. And then I gave
birth to our 4th child. I stay home with him (I work from
home and we've made huge cuts in our spending so I can be
here for him). I have found my 26 month old son fully
capable of being "reasoned" with about 85% of the time. I
taught him sign language in his earliest months so he
could better communicate with me, but all the
communicating in the world does no good if I do not
listen. I say "Yes!" as much as possible. When he hits
the TV with a baseball bat, I realize this is out of
curiosity, not manipulation, brattiness, lack of
discipline. I do not yell at him and send him to timeout -
I hug him, I say, "Hitting with the bat is a lot of fun!
You may hit the couch cushions or daddy's old chair, but
the TV could break, so I want you to hit other things,
ok?" to which he now says, happily, "Sure, mom!" and goes
off to do what I've said he CAN do. When he kicks the
dog, I do not ship him out to put his nose in the corner
or scold him - I hug him and say, "Kicking the dog hurts;
it makes Frank (the dog) sad. Please touch him gently,
like this" - we demonstrate how TO touch nicely and ask
that my son apologize. After doing this consistently
(b/c, yes, consistency IS important!), I'm happy to say
that my 2 year old is the only one I've EVER seen in my
life who apologizes of his own free will when he's hurt
someone, even on accident. He also thanks me for handing
him items and says please when he wants something.
I will never claim to be a perfect parent, but I have
tried the Nanny Jo way and it created a lot more division
and unhappiness in my whole family. Now that I've
implemented a different way of approaching my child, I can
see a world of difference in how he approaches us. There
is no reason the parents must "control" their child - in
fact, it's impossible to control another person. But this
indoctrinated belief that somehow we are able to control
someone else leads to much frustration, irritation,
aggrivation, yelling and, often times, spanking or
hitting. Once you accept that your child deserves a voice
and simply wants to be treated with respect, dignity and
the little kindess of being heard, I believe life in
general falls into line a whole lot nicer.
Oh, and my older children have gone nearly a full 180 from
their old ways - I am no longer called to the school daily
to pick them up for behavior issues and we get good
reports. Imagine that.
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