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Re: Need cute, funny Mother's Day stories
Posted by Stephanie Yuhas on 5/08/08

Here is a true Mother's Day Story to share with your
mother's, grandmother's, and anyone who is brave enough to
hold down the hardest job on the planet - MOTHERHOOD! We
appreciate you! Happy Mother's Day!

The Oldest Mother
by Stephanie Yuhas
Every Sunday, I attended church with my mother, aunt, and my
then 92-year-old grandma. One morning, our pastor has a
special request after his sermon. "Would all the mothers in
the church please stand up?" About half the congregation
rose to their feet.

"In honor of this Mother's Day, we would like to honor our
special mothers! Let's give them a hand!"

My mother scowled at me during the applause. "See, you'd
better appreciate me! Look how everyone else appreciates me!
You never clap for me..."

I rolled my eyes; I never win these arguments. "Mom, I DO
appreciate you, remember that time I..."

"Shhh!" She interrupted, "Be quiet, the pastor is talking!"

The pastor smiled upon the rows of women, all glowing in a
maternal light. "Today, we would like to treat our oldest
mother! Mothers under the age of forty, please sit down."

My mother immediately sat, even though it was a complete
lie. She gave me the killer, "Don't you dare say a word,"
stare.

He continued, "Any ladies under fifty, have a seat..." Fewer
women remained standing. "Now anyone under sixty, please be
seated."

My grandma sat down, "This is stupid, my legs hurt," she
said in Hungarian.

My aunt pleaded, "Stand back up! They are trying to honor
the oldest mother!"

Meanwhile, the pastor continued to speak, "Anyone below
seventy, please sit down."

My mother and aunt tugged on Grandma's elbows and she
swatted at them like flies, "The both of you are crazy! Go
into the water and go under it!"

"Anyone below eighty sit down." Only one woman remained
standing. The usher ran over to give the woman a microphone.

"Mrs. Daga! How old are you?"

"Eighty-two," she said sheepishly.

"Is there anyone in the congregation older than eighty-two?"
The entire church fell silent, except for the my family
arguing loudly in the back.

"This guy talks too much," Grandma complained, "He's just
always going, 'Pa pa pa pa pa,' spouting off nonsense! Let's
go home."

The pastor ignored the bickering and continued, "Okay, so I
guess the prize goes to…"

"Vait, vait, vait!" my mother yelled as the ushers started
to hand the Bath Poof Gift Set to Mrs. Daga. "I tink we have
the oldest modder!" All heads turned to Grandma.

"How old are you?" the pastor asked. Grandma looked like a
deer in headlights as the usher put the microphone in her
face.

One of the other ushers chimed in, "Pastor, she doesn't
understand. Here, let me try in German…" He walked over and
yelled right in her ear, "Wie alt bist du?"

My mother looked at her, "Anu! Hány éves vagy?"

My aunt grabbed her arm, "Câþi ani ai?"

It didn't matter if we asked in English, German, Hungarian,
Romanian, or Pig-Latin, Grandma just clutched her purse and
sat with her lips sealed.

"This is ridiculous," I said, "She's ninety-"

Before I could even finish that number, Grandma leaned into
the microphone. "Hallo?" she said, her voice echoing through
the vast church walls.

"How. Old. Are. YOU?" the pastor asked, exasperated.

Grandma laughed, "Sex-ty four."

"No, wait, she's not sixty-four, she's-"

Nagymama looked over at me and glared. She softly but firmly
said,"You shut your mouth before I shut it for you."

So, on that day, Mrs. Daga was accredited as the oldest
mother and received the complimentary Bath Poof Gift Set,
regardless of the fact that my grandma had at least ten
years on her.

Moral of the Story: You are only as old as you feel. If you
feel good, you might as well skip the door prize and lie
through your fake teeth.


PS: Grandma is now 97 and STILL lying about her age! To read
more stories or watch videos with her, visit
www.ShinyGrape.com/AmericanGoulash

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY, EVERYONE!


--
Stephanie Yuhas
Producer, Project Twenty1
Not Just A Film Festival
Now Accepting Teams & Submissions!
www.ProjectTwenty1.com



The Oldest Mother

Posts on this thread, including this one

• Need cute, funny Mother's Day stories , 4/17/03, by Honeybunch.
• Re: Need cute, funny Mother's Day stories , 7/19/04, by MOM.
• Re: Need cute, funny Mother's Day stories , 5/08/08, by Stephanie Yuhas.
• Re: Need cute, funny Mother's Day stories , 5/09/08, by Kenneth Hoffman.