Things You NEVER Thought You'd Have to Say…or Hear
Gems from the Classroom

from The Kindergarten Chatboard

*Do not lick her leg!"

*Do not put your snack in his ear!"

My usually great class has gone nuts!

A couple weeks ago, when the class got in line, one of the children was shoving another, and after a few pushes, the child being shoved yelled, "Stop it, you're squishing me into a bug!!" The teacher and I couldn't help cracking up (last week, the same child freaked out when another child touched his face...

"She put germs in my eyes!!")

Here are some more than you should not have to say:

1. Do not pull down your pants in the hall. No one wants to see your private parts.
2. Do not eat the staples.
3. Do not pour her drink on her head.
4. Do not lick the microphone on the computer.
5. Do not lick her face.

Do not chew the rubber end off my pointer.

That painted cereal is for the project.

That "nice man" you asked to tie your shoe is the superintendent!

Oh my, this is a funny thread! Let's keep it going!

Don't lick his shoe!

Don't paint your arms!

Small group working with the letter a and it's sound and somehow got off the subject and started talking about the sun being a planet and was informed it wasn't really a planet but a star full of hot gases - (Being evaluated to boot)

Child: On the news last night, a man took the sun and smashed it with his bare hands. It didn't even burn him!

Me (teacher): Oh! I'll have to watch the news tonight to see if they'll run that story again.

Child: Sorry, it's been canceled. It was a one-time thing.

Me (teacher wanting to change the subject back to the objective), Well, that makes me very aaaaaaaaaaangry to miss that news report. I might have to read the new aaaaaaaaaaaarticle in the newspaper. What else begins with the /a/ sound?

Child: Sorry, it is not important enough news to make the paper.

Me (teacher): Well, I'm aaaaaaaafraid I miss aaaaaaaaall the aaaaaawesome stuff. What else can we think of that begins with the /a/ sound?

Child: That's aaaaaawful.

Another child: aaaabsolutely aaaaawful

Another child (very bright child): That story is aaaaaaaamusing and it's aaaaaaapauling how someone can just lie. No one can smash the sun with their hands.

Me (quickly): What's that van with lights called that takes people to the hospital?

Bright child: The same ambulance that probably took the news reporter to the hospital.

Me (writing the words for students to copy): All right. We have ant, apple, ambulance, and an awesome report. Use your crayons to draw what you said starts with an /a/ sound.

I had a student today at the end of gym class take his shirt off and refused to put it back on as he was hot! I was standing there telling him to "put your clothes back on", when I burst out laughing realizing how ridiculous it sounded.

My favorite, that I am sure will never happen again, was when I had a visually impaired student. I was standing in the hallway speaking to another teacher and this student was standing beside me, I had a dress on that had two rows of rather large shiny brass buttons down the front. The other teacher all of sudden got a funny expression on her face and I looked down to see this child sucking on the button on the front of my dress (YES right at THAT level!). So I said "Sam stop sucking my buttons"!

"Don't hurt Lorenzo's snow baby!"

The kids had snowballs (and since I don't allow snowballs, they were creatively calling them "babies"-- similar to making "lasers" instead of guns) and they were chasing Lorenzo and his 'baby'.

Please untie your left shoe from your right shoe or you are going to trip and fall.

If you hadn't thrown your shirt up in the air it wouldn't be stuck on the exit sign right now.

I had a good one today. "Quit using the magnifying glasses to look at the earwax in your friend's ear."

Matthew, you're not allowed to put the pencil gripper in your nose anymore!

You need to stay in the restroom and pull your pants up!

While walking/waddling around the classroom. I was 9 months pregnant and feeling it that day! I heard a table discussing me.

Child 1: Boy, Mrs. B has gotten very fat!

Child 2: Well, she is having a baby!

Child 3: I don't think she is fat! She is just squishy!!

(Got to love that child!!!)

Why did you put the eraser in your nose?

Just this week: "We do NOT lick the table. Now YOU must clean it up!"

One day while the children were sitting at circle, we were trying to figure out who was missing from school this day. Tommy spoke up and said that his very good friend "Johnny" was not in school today. I said, "I sure hope he's feeling okay!" Tommy said, "I know why he's not here, he has an ear...ear... (child's thinking as he says it.. I'm thinking infection, he has an ear infection!) but Tommy continues and says, he has an "ear...RECTION!" That's it he says, "He's not here because he has an ear..RECTION!" I just about split a gut, but concluded that I hope Johnny's ear INFECTION would clear up soon and he would be able to return to school. Gotta love them!!!

"No, We don't bite little boys on the upper, upper back thigh!" and "No, we don't kiss little girls on the upper, upper back thigh!!!!!!!"

How about this one (true story)--Tommy, please get your tongue out of your nose!

This child has some truly amazing talents!

Don't ever tie your jacket strings to the playground fence again!

The next day, Just because you can't tie your jacket strings to the fence doesn't mean you can tie Jacob's jacket strings to the fence!

Oh yes, both children were wearing the jackets at the time. :)

Do not lick the bottom of your shoes!

Do not wipe your nose on the carpet!

These are a riot! A person could learn a lot about five year olds reading these stories! One of my little girls had missed a day of school. When she came back, she said, "I have strep-d-cocka!"

A friend taught her Kindergarten class about the parts of the earth--inner core, outer core, mantle, crust, et cetera. That afternoon at recess a number of students were busily digging a hole in the sand pit. One shouted across the playground, "Come look, Miss Amber! We're digging to the intercourse! We're digging to the intercourse!"

Glue sticks are for gluing paper, not for keeping our hair up! (Several students caught using glue sticks has hair gel to keep their hair back)!

I just remembered another one.

I am a breastfeeding mom and I am now quite a bite larger up top than I was. I am very thin so it looks a little strange. When I walked by one student's table, he looked up at me and said "Big Boobs (he used another word for boobs), Big Boobs" in a sing-song type manner. I spoke with the parent of course but I wanted to say "Thanks! Someone finally noticed!" My principal laughed and said that would have blown his mind!

(Sending a 3 year old boy into the bathroom) "Make sure you pull your pants down far enough so you don't pee on them!"

Well, it happened again today. WE were listing solids, liquids, and gases. They were doing very well with solids, great with liquids, and THEN.........one child named liquor as a liquid and another named beer. I stammered and said yes- but lets leave that one at home!

What do you mean she swallowed her lunch money?!

(Yep, it was gone! Two quarters....)

We had been learning characteristics of mammals. A few days later when I asked them how they knew a hamster was a mammal, one of my little guys said that the babies drink milk from sucking on the mother's "pimples"!

From the cafeteria:

We do not suck on the ketchup bottle.

Do not put the mustard bottle up your nose.

Do not use your straw to suck up green bean juice from Matt's tray.

"You do not have to pull your pants and underwear down to your ankles to pee." (I walked into the boys bathroom and had 5 boys waddling around with their pants around their ankles and bare bottoms showing)

"Please stop kissing the coat hangers."

(I have only three girls in my class and they enjoy kissing things to bother the boys.)

Me - "If you eat any more of your lunch ticket, sweetie, they might not give you any lunch."

My Student - "But I can just get another ticket."

Me- "Yes, but did your mommy buy those tickets for you to eat or to buy the FOOD you need to eat?"

My Student - "I don't think she ever said."

Me- "Well, maybe I should call her tonight and ask her for sure."

My Student - "You know, I think she likes it when I eat real food because she don't like it when I eat my homework either."

By now the class and I are giggling and the student is smiling but serious

Me - "Eat your homework? When did you do that?"

My student - "I always do."

Me (lining up to leave for the cafe') "Why?"

My student - "To see if it's going to be hard."

Perplexed looked from several children. But strangely, lots of approving head nods.

This is a conversation I had yesterday as we were going down the hall and just after I had been stopped for a few seconds by the reading coordinator.

Spencer: "You know that guy you were talking to?"

Me: "Yes, Mr. Knickerbocker?"

Spencer: "Yah, he's my brother's doctor."

Me: "No, he's a teacher."

Spencer: .. "Well, he used to be a doctor!"

1. "Please don't eat your clothes".
2. A few years ago, I was talking to the students about how different animals stay warm. We discussed several examples then I said (referring to the Science Spin from Weekly Reader) that a walrus has its body fat...One of the students said, "A walrus isn't fat, it is just big-boned!"
3. "You can't put other people's underwear in your pocket."
4. "Even if you needed the underwear it wasn't yours to take, and besides you have no way to know if it was clean (UGGGH!)

This child was in time out close to the classroom door. I was watching him closely cuz he was missing something we were doing that he really needed to be a part of, so I was waiting for him to give the slightest appearance of appropriate behavior. Anyway, I noticed he had this white thing sticking a little out of his pocket. At first I thought it was a sock, but then remembered, I had some clean underwear stuck in a spot near there out of sight but present so I could return to a parent. (That's a whole other story!) I realized that it wasn't there anymore. I asked him about it. He couldn't explain how the underwear got in his pocket, he insisted he didn't take them and put them there. Finally he said that he didn't have any underwear at home and needed it. I explained, that even if he needed the underwear it wasn't his to take, and besides he had no way to know if it was clean (UGGGH!). Later his mom told me that they have plenty of underwear between 4 boys close to the same size in family-that there may not be any in his drawer at times, but in that case there would have been a laundry basket that had clean ones at any time. And yes, he was wearing his underwear at that the time, I could see its band.

Who left their underwear in the bathroom?

(Never did figure that one out!)

During circle time one little girl said, "I smell someone's feet and it smells just like gas!"

This is so much fun reading about everyone's experiences! My first year teaching I looked over at our sink and very round little guy was standing there rubbing his hair-which was full of soap suds. To my question of "What are you doing?!", he looked completely bewildered. "I don't know what happened-I just came to wash my hands and all of a sudden my hair was all soapy. I tried to wash it out but it just got worse!" A moment later (with an adorable grin) as I was helping him rinse it out: "Just like taking a shower at home, huh Miss?"

Since you put the bead from your hair up your nose today you may not wear beads in your hair tomorrow. (She told her Mom I was very brave and just told her to blow her nose and the bead came right out.)

These are just great! I have a couple I just have to share. A couple of years ago I had a little boy who told Santa the he wanted "More Butt" for Christmas. When I asked why, he said, "To keep my pants up!". And just today I had another one I just have to write down. I have a little girl who is very bossy, rude and just plain mean at times. She and another little boy were sitting in time out today, when I asked the little boy why I made him sit in time out he said "She was trouble the day that I met her!". I almost couldn't hold it in. He was so serious too, that is why it was so cute.

One of my Prek went home right before Christmas and told her Mom (who works in Labor and Delivery) out of the blue that Miss Mary is pregnant! She's having a baby Jesus. How funny is that? Plus the children had known for months that I was expecting. Her Mom came back to school and told me what she had said.

"Even though you did wet your pants, you need to wear them back into the classroom so I can give you dry ones." (Little boy wet his pants on the way to the bathroom and came back bare-bottomed to request pants to change into.)

"Please don't eat that off of the floor."

"No, I'm sorry, we don't have ice water.. you'll need to use the water fountain."

"Where did you get that cell phone?"

"Sweetheart, it's probably best if you get undressed to use the bathroom AFTER you go into the bathroom. I don't think your friends are comfortable with seeing your tush."

No, that is not MLK Jr. That is the Assistant Superintendent

Do NOT chew gum that you get from the bottom of the cafeteria table!

My aide reminded me of this incident; "No, honey, even if you do hide behind the big slide, you can not pee on the playground."

Kindergartner telling me about another k child giving him a bad time at recess. He gets more and more exasperated with me when I don't just 'know' who he's talking about..."You know the one with the red sweatshirt", "You KNOW, he always wears a hood"....."YOU KNOW, the one with Skittle-breath".....

"No, it is NOT okay to pee on your friends head, even if he tried to do it first"

Take your pencil out of your belly button!

We don't lick wheels; they're dirty!

After a child complained about another licking his nose:

"Do you really want to put your mouth on a place he blows snot out of?"

As my kids were heading out to our back Kgn playyard, I overheard one little guy (one of my angels) saying to someone who had probably just said a bad word....."Boys and girls do not say bad words until they're grownups."

"No, I don't want to smell your finger!"

Do NOT climb on the toilet and pee on the wall.

My kids today made portraits of (in the words of one little five year old) "Haberlin Linkham."

[Abraham Lincoln]

As my kids picked up their towels off floor at end of nap to take home for washing today, there was an extra one left on floor. We figured it was from one of our 3 absentees. One of the kids said, "It's Johnny's!" The child who picked it up, whiffed it w/his nose, and said, "Nah, it doesn't smell like him."

Today as we discussed going to music class the students told me they would see the video Peter and the Wolf. I exclaimed that I loved that video. A student replied "then you go and I'll stay here and color.

"No, the principal is not my mother!"

Yes kinders really do think we all live together at school, don't they. Once the superintendent was visiting our school. He is a young man, but is prematurely gray. He was talking to me, and my kids were all sitting there looking at him very solemnly. When he left, one of the kids asked, "Why did your grandpa come to school?"

I was reading the book "Froggy's First Kiss" and read the part about how looking at the new girl made Froggy feel like he had caterpillars in his tummy. One little boy sighed, and said, "I know just exactly how he feels..." Another child asked if he could give out the "fragifrying glasses" during our science experiment.

While working at a summer camp for kindergartners when I was in college, a kid got out of the pool, pulled down his trunks, stood on the edge and peed...then said that he was trying to be a water fountain, and that the"water" looked like a rainbow. Needless to say, I got out REALLY fast. His mother's response:

"oh they all do it anyway, just not so directly."

I'm in a 3 class pod, each of us having our own restroom w/one toilet in each. Sometimes when more than one kid has to go......we have to share bathrooms. Usually during a quiet listening time or a naptime, when one of my kids heads into a potty (usually a girl) I'll hear a yell across the room...."Mrs. Jones!!!!!!!! Somebody peed on the seat!!!!!!!!!"

Alison, a teacher had a brand-new Corvette and one of my boys peed on the tire. I gave him soapy water, made him clean it, gave him the speech, etc. When I told mother she said, "What can you do? They see their Daddy doing it all the time!" Right! Not at my house...

My all time favorite. I always have hearing impaired children in my class. A child was asking me why I was using my hands to talk to that kid. I told the student asking the question that the little boy couldn't hear. My asker looked at the hearing impaired student and turned to me. "Well, if he would take those things out of his ears, maybe he could hear!"

He was referring to his hearing aids!

We were about to do a painting project, whole group, at our tables, when one of the children stood up and exclaimed, "Oh, this is just like when we do it on the weasel!!!"

(It took me a few moments to figure out that he was referring to the painting easel. Tee hee!)

"No, I'll put them in an envelope and you can take them home"--to student who was harvesting spider eggs from the underside of our rolling shelves and wanted to know if I wanted to keep them.

Today, a 6th grader threw up all over the boys' bathroom. The custodian cleaned it up and mopped the floor, but we still needed to use the bathroom and wash up for lunch, so.....The girls used the bathroom first. Next, I made sure the bathroom was empty and let 3 of my 5 K boys use the bathroom, with the warning - DON"T GET ANY ON THE SEATS!

I thought all was going well, until one boy came out with dripping wet hands. (In the background I could hear another boy turning the crank on the paper towel holder and getting paper towels).

The boy said, "There's no paper towel". So.... I walked around the corner of the bathroom with him, all the while saying, "Yes, I think there..........?!?!?"

The boy walked over to the "pad" machine and tried to turn the money crank!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! While answering me, "Must not be any in THIS ONE!!!" He saw the other boy getting a paper towel, so said, "I guess I have to use THIS paper towel holder".