POST: Internet Story or Hoping for a Miracle

So all I had to do was send an email , and then I�d be a
writer , my book in every shop , my face smirking from
cardboard cutouts of me holding my book aloft . My book
had a great title , so it was bound to sell . A Nation Of
Shopkeepers was a great title , if only people could
remember their History , were people interested in
History , and for that matter my book . It wasn�t a
history book , would people think it WAS a history book ,
and then not buy it . It was a comedy drama , about a
street of shops , interconnecting short stories , for all
the family , but would people notice the levels , the
strands of humour , or would they say it�s a Ma & Pa
book , and miss the joke , just as one publisher called
did ?

I decided to keep the title , though I had a reserve
title , The Butcher , The Baker and The Undertaker . Then
I realised the US market would rename it The Butcher , The
Baker And The Funeral Arranger . You don�t think about
such things when you are writing the book , you�re just
happy , on a roll , in love with your own intellect , or
just surprized you actually DO have any intellect , then
you discover that you are dyslexic , you really are
dyslexic , thankfully not a really bad case , just
dyslexic . As you proof read you see you have put BUT
instead PUT , LEAD instead of READ , things like this and
other strange things . Sure there are spellcheckers but or
is it put , you have to check it anyway . As you read you
are surprized at your own ability . You didn�t waste
4years in journalism school , but your writing is GOOD ,
Did I write that ? Then your chest filled with pride you
get somebody else to read it , and guess what ? They think
its crap . So now you have to decide , should I give up or
should I carry on ?

I gave up for as while , while is a unit of years in my
case , my life took another path , so the writing was
forgotten , it lay dormant for years , then like a phoenix
it arose , or more truthfully , like a tortoise awaking
from hibernation , sleep still in my eyes I slowly poked
my head out , then back in , went back to sleep again ,
then finally with the pangs of hunger in my stomach I just
had to do something . In my case it was eat , as in really
eat , then I turned to my old Atari and realised it was
not PC compatible , so I bought a new , or rather an old
new Atari which was PC compatible . Then I spent a day
copying my files so that I could read them on a PC . Then
I wrote a few more pieces before I realised I�d get
nowhere in England . The chances of being published were 1
in 2000 . So like a bear , I went back in my cave and
slumbered .

Meeting my wife Jing Jie was a turning point in my life ,
and not just because it was like Thunder as Jing Jie calls
it , it was a turning point because I had a professional
opinion on my writing , from a journalist at the very top
of the tree . Her uncle is an editor in chief , so his
comments were and are like gold , worth more than my first
coffee and Cadbury�s chocolate , the pleasure rush I
treat myself to every day , his comments really were that
important to me , and I really DO like my Cadbury�s , so
being better than Cadbury�s is the highest praise I can
give . So I knew the quality of my writing , even if
others said and say its crap .

Getting a modern PC and internet connection was another
turning point . Email in our house is like water and
electic in any other homes . Jing Jie can �talk� to her
mum in Shanghai every day . To friends all over the world
as well . Birmingham IS the centre of the universe .So
with hope and fear I had to transfer my files from my old
Atari to the new PC . The floppy discs were old and
battered , several were unreadable , finally my work , my
babies were safely on the new PC . Just to be on the safe
side I set up a website , so now my work was on somebody�
s server in the US , thousands of miles away , safe from
fire or theft . I could also put our new baby�s photos on
the web site so that my Chinese family in Shanghai and
Maimi and friends all over the world could see Annie and
Jing Jie and me , they could even read my work too .

So now all I had to do was market my work in the US ,
simple really , soon I�d be doing something useful with
my life , making people laugh . I�d be a writing whore ,
I�d get paid to make others laugh , the best job in the
world . So how would I set about it ? I got a list of
radio stations from the internet and started sending
emails galore . I�m talking in the hundreds now , to
radio stations the length and breath of the US .They could
publicise my site then eventually I�d get published , or
my play would get produced . It was simple wasn�t it . So
merrily I went about my business , sending emails galore .
Years before I used to send off big heavy envelopes with
my work in , with more persistance than hope in my
heart .�Thank you for your pieces of paper�was the best
put down . I once even met a writer and he agreed to to
read my play Shoplife , then he wrote back calling me a
plagerist , because it was so good . So I used his note as
toilet paper , Shoplife was so good because I had 20years
of experience given to me by my sister , I just improved
on it , but yet I was called a Copyist , so naturally I
was angry and used his note to wipe my bum .

I wondered why my strike rate was so low with my emails to
radio stations , then somebody casually mentioned , �You
do know they will just delete anything with an
attachment� . In these days of viruses or worms which I�
ve discovered is the new trendy word , nobody can risk
their PC , so I merrily send and they merrily delete . I�
d been wasting my time , but not my money because I�d got
a 24/7 package on my internet from AOL .However one radio
station did read Shoplife . The DJ or is it Host , he
called it hilarious and he could not stop reading it . It
turned out he was an actor as well , though isn�t
everybody an actor in the US ?
So I thanked him , and quoted him in my future
advertising .Humour is a funny thing . The things that
make English people laugh are not the same as the things
that make Americans� laugh . We are constantly told by
people on tv that English TV is the best in the world ,
the US material we see is the top 10% , the rest is
rubbish . But I know I�d never get my foot in the door in
England so I had to persist with my American campaign , so
now I pasted in my material , no attachments . Just get
them hooked , then paste in a sample then direct them to
http://groups.msn.com/michaelcasey

Then bingo part2 of my life could begin ,I�d be the man
that made America laugh , a na�ve sentiment , but it was
honest .Only AOL turns things into zip files and some
people cann�t unzip your files , its like wanting sex but
your zipper is broke and you cann�t get your trousers
off . Such a strong urge , but no forfillment .

I switched to MSMAIL and pasted in my stuff , things
started to happen , my files weren�t being deleted or too
zipped up to be read . At least I wasn�t frustrated any
more . Now I had an agent interested , and a new
magazine , even a theatre replied .All praise to Bill
Gates , and to a Christian called Pat Verato who pointed
me in the direction of a few good sites .However some of
the sites that I trawled through were just , so very
American . Hey , you too can be a writer , just send me 10
dollars and I�ll send you my book �How to make 10
dollars� , and he does . Then there�s magazines you
can subscribe to , yes you�ve guessed it , just send
another 10 dollars �Writing for Beginners� . There�s
all these agents too who are so successful , persuading
tap dancing bus drivers to write about Tap Dancing For Bus
Drivers , the complete self help book , costs 10 dollars .
The agent gets 20percent , and the bus driver pays
5000dollars to print 500 copies , then he can boast he�s
a writer , not just a bus driver , and guess what if you
pay 10 dollars you can learn to tap dance too .

As for me , what do I think of all this ? I�d say just
keep on writing , stop your selling , or attempts at
selling , just write a bit . Add to your catologue of 3
poems and 2 short stories , then search for an agent .
Believe you�ll never be published and then you won�t be
disappointed. There is one final thing you can do though ,
just tell everybody to go to my site
http://groups.msn.com/michaelcasey
And help find a publisher for my book , and then you�ve
guessed it , just send me 10 dollars !

End