Post: old New Years' Resolutions

Posted by Newbie on 12/31/04

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........ Top TEN New Year's Resolutions >>
. 10. Read less. 7-8-and 9 were too racy.
6. Procrastinate more.

5. Drink. Drink some more.

4. Start being superstitious.

3. Spend more time at work.

2. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.

and last but not least...

1. Take up a new habit: maybe smoking!
.............. Alternatives for the , ah, para-normals;
n >>>>
. 1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch
with my inner sociopath.
2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-
soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the
ones that are someone else's fault.
4. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
5. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of wisdom and
judgment.
6. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan,
whimper, and complain.
7. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is
cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as rewarding.
8. I am at one with my duality.
9. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves
in knots.
10. I will strive ... (deleted explitives).
11. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless
of state and local laws.
12. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice,
for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so!"
13. A scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.
14. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all
day in my underwear. Instead, I will move my computer into
the bedroom.
15. I will no longer waste my time reliving the past; I
will spend it worrying about the future.
16. The complete lack of evidence is the surest proof that
the conspiracy is working.
17. Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes.
That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.
The following was shared by surfer Cathy W., from
http://www.humormatters.com/holidays/newyears.html .
'Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house,
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.

The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste,
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).

I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared,
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared.

The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese,
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."

As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt,
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt.

I said to myself, as I only can,
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"

So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip.

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished,
'Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won't have a cookie--not even a lick,
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.

I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore,
But isn't that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot,
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
.... and some funny pics here @
http://www.hereinreality.com/resolutions.html .
... for CATS only; from http://www.i-
pets.com/hdogcat8.html :
My human will never let me eat her pet hamster, and I am
at peace with that.
I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no
reason after my human has finished watching a horror
movie.
I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the
aquarium.
I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come
home and puke them up so the humans can see that I'm
getting plenty of roughage.
I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in,
and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter.
(It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)
I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the
hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has finished
watching The X-Files.
I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-
night snacks.
I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the
night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.
Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.
I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds
outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window
and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up
and do the same thing again.
I will not assume the patio door is open when I race
outside to chase leaves.
When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the
house. It is not necessary to check every door.
The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She can see me
and will move out of the way when I pounce, letting me
smash into floors and walls. That does not mean I should
take it as a personal insult when my humans sit there and
laugh.
I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are
trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of
these days, it will really come true.
When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air
and attempt to catch them.
I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she's on
the family room floor trying to do sit ups.
When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are
*not* a hammock.
Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my
lovely tail.
I am a walking static generator. My human doesn't need my
help installing a new board in her computer. zzzzzt.
zzzzzzt.

where are the Cops when ya Really don't need 'em?

Posts on this thread, including this one

old New Years' Resolutions, 12/31/04, by Newbie.