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© John P. Wood for

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Ms. Woods and the Lost Voice
by Margaret Woodall

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Ms. Woods was a teacher

Who always misplaced things.

At the Christmas pageant,

She lost the angels' wings.

And one day, after lunch,

She lost her third-grade class.

Luckily she found them

Out playing in the grass.

"We'd just finished eating,

And thought that you were gone.

You seem concerned," said Chris.

"Did we do something wrong?"

"It's quite all right," she said,

"You just gave me a scare.

I thought a cyclone wind

Had whipped you through the air!"

Ms. Woods kept losing things,

Her glasses, chalk, and pen,

Once she lost track of time.

And left the school at ten.

Then one horrid morning,

When Ms. Woods tried to speak.

She found she'd lost her voice,

And couldn't even squeak.

Where could she have left it?

She'd not lost that before.

Was it in the closet?

Or tucked inside her drawer?

Chris thought it was a joke,

And she was playing a game,

Until he raised his hand.

She couldn't utter his name.

Children started thinking

Just where her voice could be.

Maybe in a locker,

Or up an apple tree?

Or underneath the stuff

She'd piled upon her desk?

The children thought and thought,

It was anybody's guess.

"I bet I know," said Josh,

"A spaceship came today,

And a big green Martian

Took her voice away!"

"What a dumb thing to think,"

Kelsey jumped up and said.

"It was a man from Pluto,

And he was dressed in red."

Ms. Woods wrote on the board

A message to the class,

If I can't find my voice,

None of you will pass!

They all began a search

To see what they could find.

Ms. Woods was so upset,

She really didn't mind.

They looked in the bathroom,

And up and down the hall.

They checked in by the phone,

Where she had made a call.

Then they asked the principal

As he rummaged for his keys.

They asked the science teacher.

She was busy chasing bees.

And they asked the P. E. coach,

He was fishing for his boat.

They asked the music teacher,

She was hunting for a note.

The children were so certain

That this would be the end,

And their teacher, Ms. Woods

Would never speak again.

The class heard a grumble,

A mumble very low.

And then a funny sound

Began to grow and grow.

The children were quite scared.

They glanced around the room.

Then suddenly Ms. Woods

Began to sing a tune.

"I found my missing voice!

It was with me all the while.

It was in a tiny box,"

Ms. Woods said with a smile.

"I have this little voice box,

Down my throat, inside my mouth,

My voice was stuck inside.

And I finally pushed it out."

"The next time that I lose it,

I will know just where to look.

Now help me find my glasses,

And my big blue teacher's book."

Totally off the record...
From totallyofftherecord.com

Class Picture

The children had all been photographed, and I was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

I told them, "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; ...she's dead."

Enjoy more anonymous teacher stories or even share your own at www.TotallyOffTheRecord.com

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YENDOR'S TOP TEN THINGS MY STUDENTS WHISPERED DURING MY EVALUATION OBSERVATION
by YENDOR (yendor@teachers.net)

10.	"Gee, Mr. Yendor's pants are zipped ALL the way up today!"
9.	"Look, Robert...he combed his hair!"
8.	" Why is he writing things on the board?"
7.	" Mr. Yendor, what movie are we watching today?"
6.	"What.........no coloring sheets today????"
5.	"Hey, we're not leaving early for lunch today!"
4.	"Alice! He's wearing a new shirt!"
3.	"Why is he smiling?"
2.	"He's not eating a sandwich while he's teaching!"
And the number 1 THING MY STUDENTS WHISPERED DURING MY EVALUATION OBSERVATION...
"Mr Yendor...is that lady in the corner the one you warned us about?"

Just Another Day in the Life of Magoo
posted by Magoo
on the Substitute Teachers Chatboard
http://www.teachers.net/mentors/substitute_teaching

Okay, so I'm in a 5th till noon, no problems. (The Child from Hell chose not to come today.)

I climb into my trusty steed, figuring on getting stamps for the wedding invites, and doing some other errands. HOWEVER, the vehicle gods were not thinking that at all. I started the car...it smelled like gas, it coughed, it rumbled, it shuddered. Oh, think I, it's just so hot. I get going, drive maybe 3-4 miles headed in the general direction of our one lone mall...turned a corner...sputter, cough, SCREETCH, rumble, STOP. Fortunately I had the presence of mind to pull over to the curb as it was dying.

Okay, now I am at a standstill between the Nazarene Church and Polar Bear Yogurt. I grab my purse and head for PBY, to use their phone, to call HUBBY......hey, I potty-trained the kids, the man owes me, right? (Of course, the 'kids' are now 31 and 33, but hey...) Hubby says, "But you can't be out of gas, there was half a tank yesterday."

I say, "Well, you come and rescue me anyway, as I am not walking 5 miles home in 90 degrees at nearly high noon." I get a Snapple lemonade at the yogurt place and stroll back to the car, finding, to my delight, that there is an old icky picnic table under a large shady tree in the church parking lot.

20 min. later, here comes my Knight in shining Buick (his loaner till he gets another truck). He pours a little gas in the tank, and follows me to the nearest gas station, which is 2-3 blocks away.

More coughing and sputtering and the car goes belly up again. This time we notice the little gassy trail that I've left along the way, very like the slime trails that slugs leave...apparently gas is leaking out, quickly. We pour some more gas in...Hubs is convinced I can lurch home, so he follows me...

You guessed it--the poor car gasps for breath about 2 miles down the road and I sputter to a stop, sideways in the parking lot of a mini-mall. At least I wasn't blocking anybody!

I get out and go to the entrance, figuring Hubs will be by any moment and see me standing there in my turq striped shirt, turq pants, waving like the starter at the Indy 500. No, he does not see me, he cruises on by, headed for home. Of course.

I go inside the mini mall to get out of the heat and try to figure what to do next, and get to visiting with the secretary of one of the businesses, an engineering firm. They have a tiny little Yorkie dog trotting around the place, and once I realized it was NOT a rat, we became friends. The secretary is having a terrible day also, so we trade horror stories, and she decides my day is worse than hers.

After about 30 minutes, here comes Hubs, having noticed that not only was I not in front of him, I wasn't home, either. So he backtracked and finally found me, like the good ol' mountain boy he is.

Okay, by now about 2 1/2 hours have gone by. Hubs calls AAA, tells me to wait for the tow truck, and goes back to work, as the hot-shots from Boise are due any moment, and he had to wear a tie for this meeting.

I hike over to a quick-shop and get a Dove ice-cream bar and consume it, while waiting for the tow truck. Eventually tow truck arrives. Young man gets out and asks me a bunch of questions, and I sign something or other, and begin to mutter (in my mind), "Gee, this kid looks like Ben" who was in the 5th grade class I student-taught in, in March of '94.

I get invited to ride in the tow truck, back to the car shop, so I climb in and decide I'm like Winnie-the-Pooh, and am having An Adventure!

Well, guess what---the kid WAS Ben!!! He recognized me right away, the little squirt!! We had a nice catching-up sort of chat on the way to the car doctor place. He is attending college full-time, in their automotive repair program, happy as a hot hog in a cool puddle of mud, wants to move to the coast and work on imported cars. Ben deposits me at the car doc, gives me a hug, and goes on his merry way.

I call Hubs, who informs me that I am to be given a ride home by somebody there. The "Somebody There" turns out to be a very nice lady driving an M&M RED VW BUG, THE NEW KIND!!! I told her I had never ridden in a jelly bean before, and figured this was part of the adventure. (There is a LOT more leg room in those jelly beans than one would think, by the way.) So, here I am at home, feeling like this has been a Friday. I have the feeling I will be w/o car for awhile again....

Geeze, I sure do go on, don't I???

"The Mouth That Roared!"