School answering machine message: * To lie about why your child is absent, press 1 * To make excuses for why your child did not do his work, press 2 * To complain about what we do, press 3 * To swear at staff members, press 4 * To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you, press 5 * If you want us to raise your child, press 6 * If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone, press 7 * To request another teacher for the third time this year, press 8 * To complain about bus transportation, press 9 * To complain about school lunches, press 0 * If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it's not the teachers' fault for your children's lack of effort .....hang up and have a nice day!"
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays:
These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners.....
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 pm. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-! crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
On 8/17/07, Sam I Am wrote: > > Every year, English teachers from across the country can > submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors > found in high school essays: > > > These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of > teachers > across the country. Here are last year's winners..... > > > 1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its > two sides > gently compressed by a Thigh Master. > > > 2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking > alliances like > underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. > > > 3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from > experience, like a > guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse > without one of > those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country > speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a > solar eclipse > without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. > > > 4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was > room-temperature Canadian beef. > > > 5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a > dog makes > just before it throws up. > > > 6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. > > > 7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree. > > > 8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had > disintegrated > because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like > a surcharge > at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine. > > > 9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly > the way a > bowling ball wouldn't. > > > 10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a > Hefty bag > filled with vegetable soup. > > > 11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene > had an > eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in > another city and > Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 pm. instead of 7:30. > > > 12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a > sneeze. > > > 13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like > maggots when you > fry them in hot grease. > > > 14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-! crossed lovers > raced across > the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, > one having > left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other > from Topeka > at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. > > > 15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with > picket fences > that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth. > > > 16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two > hummingbirds who > had also never met. > > > 17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and > she was the > East River. > > > 18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel > trap, only > one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut. > > > 19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do. > > > 20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But > unlike Phil, > this plan just might work. > > > 21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get > from not > eating for a while. > > > 22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame > duck, either, > but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping > on a land > mine or something. > > > 23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one > slender > leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. >
On 9/14/07, kindredNY wrote: > On 8/17/07, Sam I Am wrote: >> >> Every year, English teachers from across the country can >> submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors >> found in high school essays: >> >> >> These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of >> teachers >> across the country. Here are last year's winners..... >> >> >> 1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its >> two sides >> gently compressed by a Thigh Master. >> >> >> 2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking >> alliances like >> underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. >> >> >> 3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from >> experience, like a >> guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse >> without one of >> those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the > country >> speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a >> solar eclipse >> without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. >> >> >> 4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and > he was >> room-temperature Canadian beef. >> >> >> 5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound > a >> dog makes >> just before it throws up. >> >> >> 6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. >> >> >> 7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree. >> >> >> 8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had >> disintegrated >> because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like >> a surcharge >> at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine. >> >> >> 9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly >> the way a >> bowling ball wouldn't. >> >> >> 10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a >> Hefty bag >> filled with vegetable soup. >> >> >> 11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene >> had an >> eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in >> another city and >> Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 pm. instead of 7:30. >> >> >> 12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a >> sneeze. >> >> >> 13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like >> maggots when you >> fry them in hot grease. >> >> >> 14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-! crossed lovers >> raced across >> the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, >> one having >> left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other >> from Topeka >> at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. >> >> >> 15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with >> picket fences >> that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth. >> >> >> 16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two >> hummingbirds who >> had also never met. >> >> >> 17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and >> she was the >> East River. >> >> >> 18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a > steel >> trap, only >> one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut. >> >> >> 19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do. >> >> >> 20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But >> unlike Phil, >> this plan just might work. >> >> >> 21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get >> from not >> eating for a while. >> >> >> 22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame >> duck, either, >> but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping >> on a land >> mine or something. >> >> >> 23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended > one >> slender >> leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. >>
A student comes to class>>>he walks in as I am giving directions and says” I speak no English” So I immediately put him with Jose, who translates from English to Spanish … for 20-25 minutes all the directions I am giving the class. Afterwards, I look over to the new student who looks bewildered. I asked him: “Do you understand the directions of the project?” He says,” No I speak Russian.” The class roars in laughter.
I teach pre-k and we have a housekeeping area set up for our dramatic play. One of the little girls was in the center with one of the little boys the other day and she said, "If you don't straighten up -- I'm LEAVING YOU!" It caught me by surprise. I realized that she must be hearing this at home, but I couldn't help but laughing. It's great how something unsuspected can turn around a day for a teacher.
On 11/17/07, Pre-k teacher wrote: > I teach pre-k and we have a housekeeping area set up for > our dramatic play. One of the little girls was in the > center with one of the little boys the other day and she > said, "If you don't straighten up -- I'm LEAVING YOU!" It > caught me by surprise. I realized that she must be hearing > this at home, but I couldn't help but laughing. It's great > how something unsuspected can turn around a day for a > teacher.
It's kind of crazy how much children mimic and pay close attention to adults. Although the unsuspected may not always be positive, I think that is one of the joys of being a teacher. There are not many dull moments.
Kindergarten kitchen funnyTwo of my little girls went into the kitchen play area. One said "I'm going to be the mom." THe other said (with a big smile on her face) "Are you going to yell at me?!"
I teach middle school Spanish and we were learning "to like". In Spanish you can't say "I like pizza" in non slang speech..you say "Pizza is pleasing to me"--so this is a verb students need a lot of practice and examples to master.
2nd period: I said we could use people "I like Brad Pitt"), but no one at our school and no politicians--no Bush and no Hiliary.
Who's Hiliary?? ask several people at once. Hiliary Clinton Who's that? She wants to be president.. Of what? The US Huh? Bush is president!!
4th period: I say the same thing and get the same questions: Hiliary wants to be president? Of what? So I said: Hiliary Clinton wants to be the president of Jefferson Middle's (our school) 7th grade class.. OHH..and class continues A few minutes later: David: Mrs. Peterson, is Hiliary Clinton really running for school president? I've never heard of her.. but I'm an 8th grader.
I said "Well I can see that requiring you all to watch Channel One (news for grades 6-12) is helping you learn about current events..".
Katie: Why didn't anyone tell me our school elections were covered on Channel One?
Maybe you can make current evens part of your spanish curriculum... they obviously are not getting it in Social Studies! I am doing the elections right now with my class, and we are predicting the winners of each primary/caucus and looking over the polls (great for math.)
I don't know how that would be in a spanish class, but maybe they could have a HW assignment to look at the candidates
[link removed]
(This is the Nickelodeon site, which I am having my students use, as it is REALLY simple, though there are more candidates on the site than are still running.)
The site also gives an overview of the election process written for kids.
Then, they could come back and say Mi gusta Hillary, or No mi gusta Hillary...
They could learn spanish vocab for the elections, and will also then learn the english vocab... even if you just did this for 1 day, seriously, it would make a difference... and it could create a future voter!
Our vocab right now is suffrage, primary, caucus, election, ballot, or something close...
On 12/14/07, Lauren wrote: > This is both funny and sad. It is funny because kids really > can just be air-headed at times. However, it does go to > show that society as a whole does not emphasize the > importance of current events in global, political, and > national news. Instead, people usually pay more attention > to things like Hollywood, fashion trends, and scandal. > > > > On 12/06/07, you can decide if this is funny or sad :) > wrote: >> I teach middle school Spanish and we were learning "to >> like". In Spanish you can't say "I like pizza" in non >> slang speech..you say "Pizza is pleasing to me"--so this >> is a verb students need a lot of practice and examples to >> master. >> >> 2nd period: >> I said we could use people "I like Brad Pitt"), but no one >> at our school and no politicians--no Bush and no Hiliary. >> >> Who's Hiliary?? ask several people at once. >> Hiliary Clinton >> Who's that? >> She wants to be president.. >> Of what? >> The US >> Huh? Bush is president!! >> >> 4th period: I say the same thing and get the same >> questions: >> Hiliary wants to be president? Of what? >> So I said: Hiliary Clinton wants to be the president of >> Jefferson Middle's (our school) 7th grade class.. >> OHH..and class continues >> A few minutes later: >> David: Mrs. Peterson, is Hiliary Clinton really running >> for school president? I've never heard of her.. but I'm an >> 8th grader. >> >> I said "Well I can see that requiring you all to watch >> Channel One (news for grades 6-12) is helping you learn >> about current events..". >> >> Katie: Why didn't anyone tell me our school elections were >> covered on Channel One? >> >> >> >> >> >>
I was talking with one of my Hispanic students yesterday and explaining that in English, the word baby ends in y but it sounds like e. I said you know like in Spanish they spell it bebe and sometimes call the baby that. She said they called her little brother bebe because "they couldn't spell Eddie". I know I gave her the strangest look. I couldn't help it!
Today my overhead broke... which really it has been a good friend to me for many many days this year. I put a tissue to my eye and pretended to cry. My 3rd graders thought this was the funniest, most hilarious thing... some of them thought I was really crying, but soon realized it was pretend:). I had several come up to comfort me! One little boy prayed that the Lord would bring the overhead to a better place.
Now they ordered me a new projector. goodbye my old friend.
On 1/23/08, ILteach wrote: > Today my overhead broke... which really it has been a good > friend to me for many many days this year. I put a tissue > to my eye and pretended to cry. My 3rd graders thought this > was the funniest, most hilarious thing... some of them > thought I was really crying, but soon realized it was > pretend:). I had several come up to comfort me! One little > boy prayed that the Lord would bring the overhead to a > better place. > > Now they ordered me a new projector. goodbye my old friend. > > Too bad I really want and need a a/v projector.
This is hilarious! Isnt it funny what kids find humor in?! At least you are getting a new one!
I had three overheads break in one year. One of them a kid stuck something in the projector. I saw it out of the conor of my eye so I was not sure who it was.
On 1/30/08, Rebecca Curtis wrote: > On 1/23/08, ILteach wrote: >> Today my overhead broke... which really it has been a good >> friend to me for many many days this year. I put a tissue >> to my eye and pretended to cry. My 3rd graders thought > this >> was the funniest, most hilarious thing... some of them >> thought I was really crying, but soon realized it was >> pretend:). I had several come up to comfort me! One > little >> boy prayed that the Lord would bring the overhead to a >> better place. >> >> Now they ordered me a new projector. goodbye my old > friend. >> >> Too bad I really want and need a a/v projector. > > This is hilarious! Isnt it funny what kids find humor in?! > At least you are getting a new one!
I have a funny one. I was substitute teaching a kindergarten class one day. I walk into class and was handing out the students morning work when I get to the boy (whos desk was next to the teachers desk, if this tells you anything!) and he informs me..." My daddy got arrested last night!" I said, "really?", not knowing what else to say! And he goes on to add, "Yep, for hitting my mama!!" Then he adds, "and mama pulled out the gun!"What do you say to that?!
I haven't seen this one in a few years. i actually had
forgotten about it. i used to read it to my 8th graders.
Glad to see it again!
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