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Multiage Classroom Chatboard

How do you be fair and respectful to disrespect?

by Diane Kim

May 22, 2008

I have a student who has constant mood swings. He has a history of abuse and very low self-esteem. Yet, his attempt at attention and confidence is through trying to manipulate and put me down. He often challenges my authority by telling me what I should do in the classroom, that I should or shouldn't let this or that happen; that I am to blame for a multitude of negative outcomes.

I have tried to have conversations with this student but he continues to try and manipulate, avoid the real issue, try to guilt me. I don't fall into those traps, but I don't know what more I can do. I ignore his comments because I know that he wants me to react and kick him out or to punish him so that he can then turn around and tell everyone that he didn't do anything and that I am being discriminatory.

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Kathy Diane,

I teach at a residential treatment center for children in crisis. They behave exactly as your student does for all the same reasons. First, please recognize that you have surpassed your first hurdle--you have figured out already why this student is behaving the way he is. You know that he is only trying to replicate the abuse so tha...See MoreDiane,

I teach at a residential treatment center for children in crisis. They behave exactly as your student does for all the same reasons. First, please recognize that you have surpassed your first hurdle--you have figured out already why this student is behaving the way he is. You know that he is only trying to replicate the abuse so that he does not have to be responsible for his reactions to it. Our doctor constantly reminds us that EVERY behavior happens in order to meet an unmet need. So, what now? Here are a few ideas that help me with my ten students:

1. Above all else, form a relationship with him. Let him know that you will never give up on him. He can be a brat all he wants, but you know that he is a good person. Tell him that.

2. Be consistent. Follow through with every consequence. Otherwise, you're only giving threats, and he will know that. Chances are, he doesn't know what stability is and he will test it to make sure it is real.

3. Go out of your way to recognize positive behavior. Instead of lavishing him with praise, which he will assume is phony, give a quick thumbs up or a matter-of-fact comment. "I noticed that you..." Try to refrain from too many "I like the way you..." or "Good job" because it puts emphasis on yourself instead of him. My students respond very favorably when I bend over and whisper in their ear--it makes it very personal to them.

4. Try not to make your responses public. Chances are, he will act like he wants everyone to know, but in truth, he will respect you more if things are kept between you and him.

5. You know this already--never ever react emotionally. Many times, when a student starts to pick a fight with me, I will just say, "You know what I expect. I am going to walk away for two minutes to help so-and-so and then I will come right back to you." 99% of the time, the student follows through-or at least starts to-by the time I return and the power struggle is over. Don't be afraid to give yourself a personal time-out when you need it!!!

While I am not a complete fan of Lee Canter, I do find that his ways of responding to students to be helpful. He has a list of ways to respond that are leveled from least instrusive to most instrusive. Google Lee Canter, and you will find it. If you can't, let me know and I will get you the list. It is on my home computer.

I also highly recommend that you read The Power Principle. I can't remember the author, but it's an awesome book. It's about using your power through respect. It's an easy read. :)

Hope this helps a little bit. Good luck!! If you can break through with this child, you will be very proud of yourself!

Kathy

On 5/22/08, Diane Kim wrote: > I have a student who has constant mood swings. He has a > history of abuse and very low self-esteem. Yet, his > attempt at attention and confidence is through trying to > manipulate and put me down. He often challenges my > authority by telling me what I should do in the classroom, > that I should or shouldn't let this or that happen; that I > am to blame for a multitude of negative outcomes. > > I have tried to have conversations with this student but > he continues to try and manipulate, avoid the real issue, > try to guilt me. I don't fall into those traps, but I > don't know what more I can do. I ignore his comments > because I know that he wants me to react and kick him out > or to punish him so that he can then turn around and tell > everyone that he didn't do anything and that I am being > discriminatory.

May 25, 2008

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Carolyn Diane,

Kathy was right on with everything she said. I have a few comments to add.

I work in a prison with youthful offenders, and I have heard plenty of insults over the last 14 years!

First, being "professional" with students like this takes every ounce of willpower you have, so my hat is off to you for handling it so w...See MoreDiane,

Kathy was right on with everything she said. I have a few comments to add.

I work in a prison with youthful offenders, and I have heard plenty of insults over the last 14 years!

First, being "professional" with students like this takes every ounce of willpower you have, so my hat is off to you for handling it so well so far. It is easy to get down on their level, (criticism, sarcasm, rudeness, yelling, etc.) and I've done it more than a few times when I've been worn down, but it never helps. I just get right back up again as soon as I can and start over.

Second, there are no quick fixes. These kids have had years to perfect their techniques and you have only just met them. With time and experience you recognize patterns, but each one is also unique in his or her own way. So it is a matter of trial and error, and what works today may not work tomorrow, or may have to be repeated every day (or more!) for a long time.

Third, its all about him, not you. If he has complaints about the way you run your classroom, look at it objectively. Sometimes students do make valid points that you can work on for the good of all your students. But again, it is an ongoing project that will probably take time to implement. Don't assume that you should fix him or yourself overnight. More likely, he is blowing smoke to take the attention off his own shortcomings. Acknowledge his comments with a quick, "I'm sorry you feel that way. Now as I was saying..." and get right back on him and his learning needs.

Last, as for discipline, there's not much you can do these days. Avoid punishing the whole class. I usually try to build in a lot of warnings before the inevitable write-up,or removal from class. "Second time.." "THIRD time..." Oddly, I find just writing their name down in my lesson plan book often has the same effect as a full write-up. (Paper trails are always helpful later, too.) Another oddity - my students HATE to be told that they are being rude. Name the behavior, fine, but not very effective. Tell him he is being rude, he quits! (Not every time, unfortunately, but worth a try.) Still arguing? "OK If you don't want your education, that's your choice, but now you are interfering with other people's education. I need to spend time on everyone else right now." Give him two choices. "If you don't want to do this right now, you can (do some math, get on the computer, etc).. Otherwise you need to be quiet and read along with everyone else."

Hope this helps. Good luck!

May 26, 2008

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