Parent Implying I'm Responsible for Bad Behavior

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Parent Implying I'm Responsible for Bad Behavior

by Marie

Oct 19, 2011

I have a student that does not follow directions (draws/plays/talks) when it's work time, bothers other kids, interrupts me and others frequently, makes obnoxious noises, isn't cooperative when I ask him to comple work, etc. He needs frequent redirection throughout the day and often still does not listen after multiple requests. Two different subs left his name in a note to me.

Anyway, I had contacted Mom and at first she was very supportive. After a couple more emails her tuned changed and she accused me of picking on her child. She feels these behaviors are normal and says she has never had a problem with her son and his past teachers. This is the kicker - she wrote that she knows her son is not listening to me but wonders what the underlying issue is (with me, I'm assuming).

The tone of her email was quite nasty and I'm going to meet with her soon. Please give any advice to me if you have any suggestions for what kind of comments to make. I really want to defend my...See More

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Jo The other thing I would like to add is as frustrated as you are, OP, it may be with the constant complaints to mom about the in- class behavior of her child, she feels equally as frustrated and at a loss of what to do to get her child to behave in your class when she is not in the same room.

You must also be very careful with the tone of y...See MoreThe other thing I would like to add is as frustrated as you are, OP, it may be with the constant complaints to mom about the in- class behavior of her child, she feels equally as frustrated and at a loss of what to do to get her child to behave in your class when she is not in the same room.

You must also be very careful with the tone of your e-mails or what you are implying you want done. Often if your e-mails seems as if you tell the parent how to parent, you get defensiveness and anger on the parent's part no matter what they are doing to try to fix the problem from the home front.

Imagine a parent that is discussing proper behavior or actually punishing the child for poor behavior (without telling you because she really doesn't have to tell you what her methods are) but it still continues and she continues to receive pressure and "guidance" from you. Think of the frustration she feels.

Fact is, there isn't a whole lot parents can do to manage their child in a classroom. I've seen all to many instances where simple solutions within the classroom could be applied to remedy many behaviors, but that requires a slight change on the part of the teacher within the classroom and doing something that may go against the teacher's way of thinking.

This situation isn't about you winning ("I have a feeling I can't win "). It is about determining a solution that will work for everyone.

So, exactly what do you want mom to do to make her child listen to you when she is not in the classroom? I also think mom has a good question that you and mom need to find an answer to - what is the underlying reason that the child won't listen to you.

I've seen many situations where a child was not behaving and one or two small changes on the part of the teacher solved the problems. The child was brought up for child study and upon discussions and observations of others and input of the parent it became very obvious that procedures in the classroom were to blame for the problems that were happening. The teacher was expecting the child to do something that some just can't do at a young age and refused (prior to the meeting) to change how things were done so that the level of support was given to the child that needed it.

Now, I'm not saying this is the case for you, but knowing so little based on your post, it is a possibility that there are some things that inadvertently are making the situation worse. The constant e-mails to mom are becoming draining and as an adult that is not in the room, there is only so much that can be done to manage the situation from outside of the classroom. It may seem to mom that you are just tattling when you should be the one in charge and in control of the environment. Basically you are telling mom with your constant e-mails is that you have no idea what to do and have decided to dump the problem on her lap.

I also agree with VET. You really need to look at the old records and talk to his last teacher. Maybe there were small problems in which the teaher was able to fix by changing what she did or interacting in a different way with the child.

I also think when mom said that she knows her child isn't listening to you was to tell you that she doesn't think you are lying. She knows he isn't listening. She also may have a point that some of the behaviors that irritate you are in the range of normal behaviors that can be managed in a classroom.

On 10/20/11, Vet Teacher wrote: > On 10/19/11, Marie wrote: > > Is this the first student you've had like this? Is his behavior > worse than all other students you've had? Or have there been > others - even from time to time - who act like he acts? And - > very important - how was he in 1st grade? Did he go to 1st > grade at your same school? If not, it would be helpful to your > cause to know how he was. > > While I'm inclined to think this child was likely always out of > hand, you can't 'defend' yourself well unless you really know > the kid's history. Without knowing his history, you can't say > for sure, "And his teacher Mrs. Brown last year said the same." > > > And last but not least, what do you want Mom to do? Were your > e-mails confined to just informing her that yet another problem > had occurred or did they have suggestions on which she was to > follow through and didn't? > > The reality is - and I've been in this same situation as you > are - you're his teacher this year. I personally don't believe > that I'm the right teacher for every child and I certainly > don't believe that I'm the best teacher for every single child > in the world. I know I do better with some kind of kids than > others and each year I make that case to my Principal again. > Give me sad kids, ADHD kids, fine, no problem, LD kids, fine > too but don't give me angry kids. I don't do well with angry kids. > > But if I get assigned a kid who I think should have been in > another teacher's class and not mine - it doesn't really matter > as I tell the parent because the child is in my room now and > it's a long school year ahead and we have to figure this out. > So I'd tell this mother, "I hear good news and bad news in what > you're saying. The good news is you believe that this behavior > is all willful on Tommy's part and so do I. It's good news that > we're on the same page about that and it's wonderful news that > both of us believe this is not an organic problem but that > Tommy is simply choosing to disregard me. > > Because, Mrs. Smith, if Tommy is simply choosing to behave this > way, he can make a different choice and the bad beginning to > this school year should be over. To help us get there, can you > explain to me why Tommy is willfully choosing to disregard me > and what I need to do about that? It's a new one on me that > such a young child would be brave enough to just disregard his > teacher so I need your help to manage this very brave young > man. But first we need to understand why he is doing this in > 2nd grade with me and did not do it in 1st grade. Explain the > difference to me, please." > > With that approach, you put the ball of explanation in her > court. You acknowledge what she's saying, you're not arguing > with her and you're asking her to work toward solution. And > though I doubt very much that it could happen, wouldn't it be a > wonderful miracle that she could point to one thing that sets > 'Tommy' off and has turned him into a classroom problem? I do > doubt that there is one thing but one time one parent told me > one thing I was doing that did set their child off and I > stopped doing that one thing and the kid got better. > > But that was just one time... > > > And people do fall back to being nasty especially in e-mails - > people say things in e-mails they would NEVER say outloud. I > find e-mail a very risky way to communicate with parents and > e-mails are so easy to send that we risk sending too many of > them and that in and of itself can upset people. Just because > she's nasty in an e-mail doesn't mean she'll be nasty in > person. And having learned that e-mails make her nasty, stop > e-mailing - it didn't get you anywhere positive. > > > Good luck! > > > >> >> >> Anyway, I had contacted Mom and at first she was very >> supportive. After a couple more emails her tuned changed >> and she accused me of picking on her child. She feels >> these behaviors are normal and says she has never had a >> problem with her son and his past teachers. This is the >> kicker - she wrote that she knows her son is not listening >> to me but wonders what the underlying issue is (with me, >> I'm assuming). >> >> The tone of her email was quite nasty and I'm going to meet >> with her soon. Please give any advice to me if you have >> any suggestions for what kind of comments to make. I >> really want to defend myself and explain more of his >> behaviors (had 5 complaints from other kids the last two >> days), but I have a feeling I can't win in this situation. >> I feel she's going to turn everything back on me.

Oct 20, 2011

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Leah I really want to defend myself and explain more of his > behaviors (had 5 complaints from other kids the last two > days), but I have a feeling I can't win in this situation. > I feel she's going to turn everything back on me.

Please do not defend yourself. Instead try to following the outline below. You want her to work WITH you ...See More

Oct 21, 2011

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Have a plaque made for your wall: Attention Parents: If you are unhappy with your child's grades, behavior reports, or anything else his teacher does or says, you are not the first to believe IT IS ALWAYS THE TEACHER'S FAULT.

GOOD PARENTS ask, "What can I do?" THE OTHERS say, "It's your fault!

Nov 13, 2011

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Alysia On 11/13/11, Have a plaque made for your wall: wrote: > Attention Parents: If you are unhappy with your child's grades, > behavior reports, or anything else his teacher does or says, you > are not the first to believe IT IS ALWAYS THE TEACHER'S FAULT. > > GOOD PARENTS ask, "What can I do?" THE OTHERS say, "It's your > fault!
...See More

Dec 5, 2011

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Sara On 12/05/11, Alysia wrote: > On 11/13/11, Have a plaque made for your wall: wrote: >> Attention Parents: If you are unhappy with your child's grades, >> behavior reports, or anything else his teacher does or says, you >> are not the first to believe IT IS ALWAYS THE TEACHER'S FAULT. >> >> GOOD PARENTS ask, "What can...See MoreOn 12/05/11, Alysia wrote: > On 11/13/11, Have a plaque made for your wall: wrote: >> Attention Parents: If you are unhappy with your child's grades, >> behavior reports, or anything else his teacher does or says, you >> are not the first to believe IT IS ALWAYS THE TEACHER'S FAULT. >> >> GOOD PARENTS ask, "What can I do?" THE OTHERS say, "It's your >> fault! > > I am a student going for my A.S Degree going into my second year, > and right now I am working on an assignment that is requiring me to > ask "How teachers have dealt with conflicts they have had with > parents." Your subject is a prime example of conflict between a > parent and the teacher. I think that parent's should ask "What can I > do?" Instead of putting the blame on the teacher. Comming together > as the child's parent and the child's teacher is a better way of > comming up with a solution to the problem. Do you agree? > And what are some things that you have tried in the past with this > kind of subject?

What you think parents should do is a way of creating conflicts. What are you really asking? How conflicts should be handled? Not be entering into them with a set of expectations as you're doing.

As professionals, do we have any responsibility for problem solving??? Why are we paid if it's only to wait for parents to ask "What can I do?" Would you go to a doctor who said nothing but waited for you to ask, "What can I do, doctor?"

Parents are not in the classroom - we are. That said, handle a conflict with a parent by being a good listener. Treat parents like taxpayers - they are. As a teacher, become a problem-solver. Tell the parents that you want to solve the problem, not just share it with them. Be open to what they have to say. Be cordial.

If you establish good relationships with your students and their families, you will go a long way toward not having conflicts with parents.

Proactively is the way to handle any conflict - not just with parents - but in life in general. Anticipate the problems and build good relationships that will work for you, not against you, when problems arise.

Dec 7, 2011

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