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Upper Elementary Teachers Chatboard

At what point can a teacher say she's being harassed?

by Parent driving me nuts

Mar 12, 2009

I have a parent that since the beginning of the year has driven me nuts. Ever since we met and the principal stated we needed to have his son evaluated for a learning disability he has driven me crazy. Some examples:

1. He will go into my room even if I'm not there and start going through his son's desk, graded papers, etc. to find work his son is missing. 2. He pops in unexpectedly at least 2 times a week during my planning and consumes the entire 45 minutes to ask questions about work we've went over, did we do this, that, or the other. Why can his son not turn in late work, etc. The entire time I feel like I'm defending why I do things the way I do. 3. I've started FREE tutoring for his child (and others) and simply asked them to be picked up by 4:30. He comes in later and later. Now he's coming in 15 minutes late and cleaning out his son's desk, having him correct his work, etc. I've actually had to ask him to leave so I can. 4. He calls me at home, on the weekend to ask a...See More

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Ms. Jones the in-house expert on nutty, desperate Dads Some people are tougher than others to be sure. And of course you're defending the way you do things or see it as marketing - you're trying to sell him on your approach - but the reality is that you likely feel defensive. Do you have room for compromise? Hard to compromise with people we think might be nuts but when we are called to task and have n...See MoreSome people are tougher than others to be sure. And of course you're defending the way you do things or see it as marketing - you're trying to sell him on your approach - but the reality is that you likely feel defensive. Do you have room for compromise? Hard to compromise with people we think might be nuts but when we are called to task and have no intention of compromising from the beginning, that throws us into a defensive posture. You can get out of that but only by telling yourself ' today I'm going to listen to this nut and try to agree with one thing he says' - if you try it, you'll find you'll feel less defensive. > > As classroom teachers, we have to tutor for free if it's our school's students. We don't have to tutor but I do that too and because I sleep better at night when I do. Not just because I'm tired but because I've gone the extra mile. I do it more for myself maybe than even for the kids.

Weekend calls - this guy's nuts or desperate or both. Is this the first parent you've encountered who's nuts or desperate or both?

Nutty desperate behavior like water keeps on moving downhill - hence the e--mails to the principal who at this point should sit and talk with the guy one on one and do some 'cleanup', some damage control so you don't have to.

No one said teaching would be easy but no one ever told us we'd have nutty, desperate people to work with or work around either. If they told us the whole truth and nothing but, would you still have gone into it?

They give me these nuts or desperate parents every year - I actually enjoy .... working with them because I can and every year get better given now years of experience and it makes me a legend in my time at work. "Uh, give that one to Ms. Jones - and then everybody smiles and takes a deep breath and goes out of the meeting asking me "How Do you Do it? Do you remember Mrs. So and So who had the twitch? And came in angry every full moon and all we had to do was send her up to Ms. Jones' room and she left smiling. How Do you do it anyway?"

> 3. I've started FREE tutoring for his child (and others) > and simply asked them to be picked up by 4:30. He comes in > later and later. Now he's coming in 15 minutes late and > cleaning out his son's desk, having him correct his work, > etc. I've actually had to ask him to leave so I can. > 4. He calls me at home, on the weekend to ask about work. > 5. Now he's sending my principal emails saying I'm not > doing enough for his kid, that I've "given up" on him and > am not respectful to him. > > At what point can I say to him, enough is enough?

Apr 1, 2009

At the very least, get caller ID and use it Don't answer when the guy calls your house.

When he e-mails you, wait a day or two before you respond. If he's sent three messages by then, respond to only one of them, and don't write him a novel. "Please refer to the class website" or something similar should be sufficient. (If you don't want crazy animals showing up at your door, stop f...See MoreDon't answer when the guy calls your house.

When he e-mails you, wait a day or two before you respond. If he's sent three messages by then, respond to only one of them, and don't write him a novel. "Please refer to the class website" or something similar should be sufficient. (If you don't want crazy animals showing up at your door, stop feeding them.)

Since he's complaining about you, ask your principal to let the guy know that he can only meet with you when an administrator's present.

And be glad you have the kid now and not a few years from now, when he'll probably be telling his teacher "Well my Dad says XYZ, so you better do PDQ," and so forth.

On 3/13/09, by OP wrote: > Thank you all for taking the time to reply. I truly appreciate > it. > > Regarding getting work home, every week a folder goes home with > all their work. This is both classwork, tests, anything that > they turn into me. I've started collecting this child's work, > putting in a sealed envelope, putting in his bookbag. Then, a > couple of days later dad is all over me asking where the work > is...so I investigate and it's in his other desk (he has a > different teacher in the afternoon), opened, and papers all > throughout the desk. I gather it all again, put in a new > envelope, call boy over while I'm emailing/calling dad, a couple > of days later, same thing (his other teacher has even tried to > help with this). At some point I can no longer babysit this kid > since I have 25 other students that require attention. I've > tried and tried to help this child be organized by doing, > showing, helping and I truly think he's doing all of this so he > doesn't have to hear from dad. > > Regarding being in our rooms when we're not there, it is not > allowed at our school for several reasons. Mainly safety due to > the area we're in and thefts that have been occuring. We have > now been asked to lock our doors whenever we leave so that has > cut down on his going in. The assistant and principal know how > demanding this man is so they no longer allow him in the room. > Not because he's looking in his child's desk but going to the > back of the room and going through other kid's work, folders, etc. > > When this dad isn't in my room he's emailing or calling. > Literally I talk to him once every single day. Honestly, I don't > have time to talk to him every time he calls/drops by/emails his > 20 questions. And regarding his questions, everything he's > asking is either on my website, in our newsletter, or on papers > that don't get home. This child's missing work, I write it on a > sheet of paper and give to him, tell him he has until Friday to > get it done, remind him ALL WEEK, and it still isn't turned in. > So when he gets a zero dad flies all over me. > > The tutoring was set up for kids who need extra help in math > and/or reading. Mainly it was set up for this child since his > dad has said numerous times I'm "not doing enough" for his child. > > And how did he get my number? NO clue especially since the phone > is listed in my husband's name. I guess he called every number > until he got us...he's that crazy. > > My principal knows everything, has been involved in several of > our conferences, I copy her on every email I send to him now, and > I'm always talking to her about the situation. Whatever she says > to do, I do. She has dealt with this man for 3 years and know > how demanding he is. > > I've done everything this man has asked and more and still he > demands more and more. The help he wants me to give his son I > cannot (he literally wants me to sit beside his child and work > every problem with him). The type of help he needs should come > from our EC department (I've done numerous interventions with > him - I could write a book on what I've done for this ONE > child). And I agree the dad is probably so scared/frustrated > especially since our end of grade is quickly approaching and his > son has made little to no progress. However, Dad has turned down > any offer of evaluation, even though every standarized test shows > that he has a learning disability. At this point I feel like I'm > doing more harm to this child by continuing to enable him. The > 4th grade teachers will eat this child alive next year...

Apr 1, 2009

Anonymous for this My principal knows everything, has been involved in several of > our conferences, I copy her on every email I send to him now, and > I'm always talking to her about the situation. Whatever she says > to do, I do. She has dealt with this man for 3 years and know > how demanding he is.

If the principal has dealt with the man for ...See More

Apr 2, 2009

Teach Do not meet with him alone! Require him to set up an appointment once a week with the principal, psychologist, counselor, etc. I like one post that said to refer him to your website. Also, I like the suggestion that you send a memo to all parents announcing your procedures for turning in homework, classwork, deadlines for makeup work, etc. Send tho...See MoreDo not meet with him alone! Require him to set up an appointment once a week with the principal, psychologist, counselor, etc. I like one post that said to refer him to your website. Also, I like the suggestion that you send a memo to all parents announcing your procedures for turning in homework, classwork, deadlines for makeup work, etc. Send those out and have them posted in your room. Refer to those when he talks to you.

Get caller ID or and I know this might be a hassle but change your phone number. This guy is Harrasing you! Talk to your union. Your principal should do more for you. Your principal needs to meet with you and this man and set some boundaries for him. These need to be typed out and signed. He should only come at a specified time.

I agree that after three late pickups you should cancel the tutoring. You are doing everything you can for this child. It is on the boy's father to get the boy help. What does your special ed department say about this boy? Has he ever been tested? If the father refuses help then your hands are somewhat tied.

The principal needs to get the father off your back. I disagree with Concerned. This could turn into a volatile situation. Please be careful. If you have a union I would call them and talk to them about this. It may be close to the end of the year but all kinds of things could happen. Does he have a temper? Yes, enough is enough. When you inform the father of your procedures he should have a lot of answers. That should take care of a lot.

For disorganized kids I have written on a card the procedure for the end of the day. Ex. gathering materials, putting them in homework folder, going to mailboxes, writing down assignments, etc. They just have to look at the card and make sure they've completed each step. I also initial their assignment sheet inidcating that this is the correct assignment due. The parent then initial the assignment that night when the assignment is completed.

Be careful. Talk to your principal about that boundary issue. Get on paper what this parent can and can not do.

Good luck

On 3/13/09, by OP wrote: > Thank you all for taking the time to reply. I truly appreciate > it. > > Regarding getting work home, every week a folder goes home with > all their work. This is both classwork, tests, anything that > they turn into me. I've started collecting this child's work, > putting in a sealed envelope, putting in his bookbag. Then, a > couple of days later dad is all over me asking where the work > is...so I investigate and it's in his other desk (he has a > different teacher in the afternoon), opened, and papers all > throughout the desk. I gather it all again, put in a new > envelope, call boy over while I'm emailing/calling dad, a couple > of days later, same thing (his other teacher has even tried to > help with this). At some point I can no longer babysit this kid > since I have 25 other students that require attention. I've > tried and tried to help this child be organized by doing, > showing, helping and I truly think he's doing all of this so he > doesn't have to hear from dad. > > Regarding being in our rooms when we're not there, it is not > allowed at our school for several reasons. Mainly safety due to > the area we're in and thefts that have been occuring. We have > now been asked to lock our doors whenever we leave so that has > cut down on his going in. The assistant and principal know how > demanding this man is so they no longer allow him in the room. > Not because he's looking in his child's desk but going to the > back of the room and going through other kid's work, folders, etc. > > When this dad isn't in my room he's emailing or calling. > Literally I talk to him once every single day. Honestly, I don't > have time to talk to him every time he calls/drops by/emails his > 20 questions. And regarding his questions, everything he's > asking is either on my website, in our newsletter, or on papers > that don't get home. This child's missing work, I write it on a > sheet of paper and give to him, tell him he has until Friday to > get it done, remind him ALL WEEK, and it still isn't turned in. > So when he gets a zero dad flies all over me. > > The tutoring was set up for kids who need extra help in math > and/or reading. Mainly it was set up for this child since his > dad has said numerous times I'm "not doing enough" for his child. > > And how did he get my number? NO clue especially since the phone > is listed in my husband's name. I guess he called every number > until he got us...he's that crazy. > > My principal knows everything, has been involved in several of > our conferences, I copy her on every email I send to him now, and > I'm always talking to her about the situation. Whatever she says > to do, I do. She has dealt with this man for 3 years and know > how demanding he is. > > I've done everything this man has asked and more and still he > demands more and more. The help he wants me to give his son I > cannot (he literally wants me to sit beside his child and work > every problem with him). The type of help he needs should come > from our EC department (I've done numerous interventions with > him - I could write a book on what I've done for this ONE > child). And I agree the dad is probably so scared/frustrated > especially since our end of grade is quickly approaching and his > son has made little to no progress. However, Dad has turned down > any offer of evaluation, even though every standarized test shows > that he has a learning disability. At this point I feel like I'm > doing more harm to this child by continuing to enable him. The > 4th grade teachers will eat this child alive next year...

Apr 5, 2009

NJ/4th Two words of advice: document everything!

I'm going through a very difficult year, but with a co-teacher. I learned quickly to document conversations, save emails, save copies of work, etc. If you haven't already, start a folder and document everything. Sometimes, when it's your word against his, documentation is all you can rely on. Good...See MoreTwo words of advice: document everything!

I'm going through a very difficult year, but with a co-teacher. I learned quickly to document conversations, save emails, save copies of work, etc. If you haven't already, start a folder and document everything. Sometimes, when it's your word against his, documentation is all you can rely on. Good luck!

(P.S. On an earlier post you mentioned that the fourth grade teachers will "eat this kid alive". That might very well be the wake-up this parent needs! I just hope you don't teach in NJ...so I don't have to worry about getting this crazy parent. hahaha)

On 4/05/09, Teach wrote: > Do not meet with him alone! Require him to set up an appointment > once a week with the principal, psychologist, counselor, etc. I > like one post that said to refer him to your website. Also, I like > the suggestion that you send a memo to all parents announcing your > procedures for turning in homework, classwork, deadlines for makeup > work, etc. Send those out and have them posted in your room. Refer > to those when he talks to you. > > Get caller ID or and I know this might be a hassle but change your > phone number. This guy is Harrasing you! Talk to your union. Your > principal should do more for you. Your principal needs to meet with > you and this man and set some boundaries for him. These need to be > typed out and signed. He should only come at a specified time. > > I agree that after three late pickups you should cancel the > tutoring. You are doing everything you can for this child. It is on > the boy's father to get the boy help. What does your special ed > department say about this boy? Has he ever been tested? If the > father refuses help then your hands are somewhat tied. > > The principal needs to get the father off your back. I disagree > with Concerned. This could turn into a volatile situation. Please > be careful. If you have a union I would call them and talk to them > about this. It may be close to the end of the year but all kinds of > things could happen. Does he have a temper? Yes, enough is enough. > When you inform the father of your procedures he should have a lot > of answers. That should take care of a lot. > > For disorganized kids I have written on a card the procedure for > the end of the day. Ex. gathering materials, putting them in > homework folder, going to mailboxes, writing down assignments, etc. > They just have to look at the card and make sure they've completed > each step. I also initial their assignment sheet inidcating that > this is the correct assignment due. The parent then initial the > assignment that night when the assignment is completed. > > Be careful. Talk to your principal about that boundary issue. Get > on paper what this parent can and can not do. > > Good luck > > > > > On 3/13/09, by OP wrote: >> Thank you all for taking the time to reply. I truly appreciate >> it. >> >> Regarding getting work home, every week a folder goes home with >> all their work. This is both classwork, tests, anything that >> they turn into me. I've started collecting this child's work, >> putting in a sealed envelope, putting in his bookbag. Then, a >> couple of days later dad is all over me asking where the work >> is...so I investigate and it's in his other desk (he has a >> different teacher in the afternoon), opened, and papers all >> throughout the desk. I gather it all again, put in a new >> envelope, call boy over while I'm emailing/calling dad, a couple >> of days later, same thing (his other teacher has even tried to >> help with this). At some point I can no longer babysit this kid >> since I have 25 other students that require attention. I've >> tried and tried to help this child be organized by doing, >> showing, helping and I truly think he's doing all of this so he >> doesn't have to hear from dad. >> >> Regarding being in our rooms when we're not there, it is not >> allowed at our school for several reasons. Mainly safety due to >> the area we're in and thefts that have been occuring. We have >> now been asked to lock our doors whenever we leave so that has >> cut down on his going in. The assistant and principal know how >> demanding this man is so they no longer allow him in the room. >> Not because he's looking in his child's desk but going to the >> back of the room and going through other kid's work, folders, etc. >> >> When this dad isn't in my room he's emailing or calling. >> Literally I talk to him once every single day. Honestly, I don't >> have time to talk to him every time he calls/drops by/emails his >> 20 questions. And regarding his questions, everything he's >> asking is either on my website, in our newsletter, or on papers >> that don't get home. This child's missing work, I write it on a >> sheet of paper and give to him, tell him he has until Friday to >> get it done, remind him ALL WEEK, and it still isn't turned in. >> So when he gets a zero dad flies all over me. >> >> The tutoring was set up for kids who need extra help in math >> and/or reading. Mainly it was set up for this child since his >> dad has said numerous times I'm "not doing enough" for his child. >> >> And how did he get my number? NO clue especially since the phone >> is listed in my husband's name. I guess he called every number >> until he got us...he's that crazy. >> >> My principal knows everything, has been involved in several of >> our conferences, I copy her on every email I send to him now, and >> I'm always talking to her about the situation. Whatever she says >> to do, I do. She has dealt with this man for 3 years and know >> how demanding he is. >> >> I've done everything this man has asked and more and still he >> demands more and more. The help he wants me to give his son I >> cannot (he literally wants me to sit beside his child and work >> every problem with him). The type of help he needs should come >> from our EC department (I've done numerous interventions with >> him - I could write a book on what I've done for this ONE >> child). And I agree the dad is probably so scared/frustrated >> especially since our end of grade is quickly approaching and his >> son has made little to no progress. However, Dad has turned down >> any offer of evaluation, even though every standarized test shows >> that he has a learning disability. At this point I feel like I'm >> doing more harm to this child by continuing to enable him. The >> 4th grade teachers will eat this child alive next year...

Apr 9, 2009

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