Care for elderly relative

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Care for elderly relative

by Novel

Jan 1, 2017

My MiL needs permanent care now. My SiL (her daughter) is insisting that she will take her in but we have to have her every other weekend and my husband has to cover three days during the week. She will not listen to any alternatives. I am angry that these decisions are made without consultation but we are told what we have to do. MiL is hard work, husband is stressed, I find it really hard to have her demanding, spoilt toddler presence in my home so much. There seems to be no way out of this without seriously driving wedge into the family. Any ideas?

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care should be divided evenly amongst siblings. If one gives her home, then another provides medical and yet another pays for everything.

-ing absolutely nothing! > My brother in law once sent me a link to a website when I > once asked for help with a minor financial request for Mom. > It was no help, but he felt good about what he had done. I > cashed in my life ...See More

Jan 6, 2017

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Lulu This family (Novel, SIL, the two husbands and any other
siblings) need to meet and negotiate a solution. Any out
of staters could teleconference in. Although primary
responsibility falls to the blood relatives anyone who'll
be expected to contribute their home, money or time
deserves a place at the table.

Of foremost import...See More

Jan 6, 2017

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Equal responsibility=equal say But, if someone is going to be judged to have equal responsibility they deserve equal say.

One person can't say this is the ONLY way that is acceptable to handle this situation and expect everyone else to jump on board - just because SHE isn't willing to consider other options.

If you are stubbornly insisting that YOUR plan is the...See MoreBut, if someone is going to be judged to have equal responsibility they deserve equal say.

One person can't say this is the ONLY way that is acceptable to handle this situation and expect everyone else to jump on board - just because SHE isn't willing to consider other options.

If you are stubbornly insisting that YOUR plan is the only acceptable option, you are likely to end up implementing it mostly alone.

There is nothing wrong with good facilities for the elderly. In fact, in many people's opinion it is far better to be surrounded by peers and activities and 24/7 support than to be shuttled around to burdened and stressed family members.

If brother is equally responsible, then he would be equally justified in saying that as long as he is alive, his mother is worth the money to ensure that she has proper and appropriate care in a place designed for her. Then, he would be equally justified to insist that each sibling bear an equal cost of that care.

While it is admirable to want to care for a parent - - open minded people realize that there is more than one way this can look.

Insisting on her way, and only her way, is going to leave her alone in the job.

You want equal responsibility? You have to allow equal power and say in the decision about how things are handled.

On 1/06/17, mrwiseman wrote: > Well, > I read all your post with intense frustration and a touch of > anger. I am a caregiver. I take care of my two elderly > parents. I get little to no help from my sisters, and I get > treated shabbily on rare occasions I ask for help. I am > isolated, depressed, and slowly going into a pit of debt > which I may never get out. My sisters expect me to give 100&37; > of my income and time to this task, which I do.I get cast as > the "bad guy" often as well, because they simply do not want > to be bothered. > > So be careful casting the SIL as the bad guy here. > While I think she should have worked out a plan, it seems to > me the OP seems to think the SIL should either give up her > life and do the job full time or shut up and put mom in a > nursing home. I do not think it is unreasonable that your > husband is asked to step up and help out. It is going to be > work it and it is going to be a sacrifice, that is the job of > being a caregiver...if you don't so it somebody has too! > > It seems past wrongs/resentments are the problem here. You > don't like the lady, I get it. But, I am also very cynical of > the belief the SIL is doing all this for money...she is > probably spending more than she will ever inherit. > > Personally, I am sick to death being told to check for help > in my community. There is no help. (I live in small town USA) > I have filled out the forms, and talked, and got zip. I > always think non-caregivers wipe their hands from > responsibility with the panacea of mythical social services. > It makes them feel better that they have "done their part" by > doing absolutely nothing! > My brother in law once sent me a link to a website when I > once asked for help with a minor financial request for Mom. > It was no help, but he felt good about what he had done. I > cashed in my life insurance. > > I wish so badly they, or anyone, would just offer help...real > help with my not having to beg. I too probably sound like I > am demanding when a eventually HAVE to ask for something from > my sisters. I hate asking. > > Maybe MIL needs to go into a nursing home, but my gosh she is > your husband's mother. She is equally his responsibility. > > I guess my point is that as much as you think your sister-in- > law is unreasonable, so are you. Take a deep breath and > accept that your husband will have to help. Hopefully you can > find a a peaceful agreement between the two siblings. > > I feel sorry for Mom...even if she is a difficult old bat. > She raised and sacrificed for her kids. 'My only comfort is > when may parents pass I will know I have done right by them. >

Jan 6, 2017

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Lulu But also remember that the more any one party insists on a
single solution the more likely it is the other will dig
their heels in. You may find SIL willing to explore the
idea of elder housing if it can be considered as one of
many options. Focus on finding an answer not on getting
your way. SIL may become more flexible if she sees ...See More

Jan 6, 2017

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Novel Again, thank you for all these thoughtful contributions. mrwiseman, sorry you have all the care and responsibility laid on you.

Just a couple of things - we will not benefit from any will so have no financial axe to grind - SiL will get it all (not that there is much) because my husband arranged that with his mother's lawyer as a recogni...See More Again, thank you for all these thoughtful contributions. mrwiseman, sorry you have all the care and responsibility laid on you.

Just a couple of things - we will not benefit from any will so have no financial axe to grind - SiL will get it all (not that there is much) because my husband arranged that with his mother's lawyer as a recognition for all his sister has done in the past for both parents. BiL (their brother, the third sibling) has already had an inheritance - when FiL died, the family home on the estate was passed directly to him because he is a builder and could bring it up to spec. He has renovated it, built two more houses on the plot and is raking it in. This is a source of much resentment from his sister, but it is a decision she made along with her brothers, so I think it's fair enough! He is the one withdrawing from the family and abdicating responsibility for his mother.

I do not dislike SiL - she is basically lovely - but she is dictating what happens with her mother without listening to either brother. We are stepping up to help out - we have her every other weekend for three nights, and alternate weeks she stays here for two nights and three days midweek, then on the weeks she doesn't, husband goes to SiL's home three days and spends hours with her. Please don't suggest we aren't helping out...

MiL is hard hard work and the stress is playing on everyone, most of all my husband. SiL is stressed too but will not listen, just complains. For some reason, she feels she can rant at us (mostly me...) but not at her other brother - I do not understand why he is exempt. I bite my tongue at all times because I do not want to drive a wedge into the family. It is not doing MiL any good being shuffled around like this, but she loves being with people and having lots of attention. The situation is not tenable and some crisis will be reached at some point. I am just waiting for that other shoe to drop. Please God don't let it be husband breaking down :-(

Again, gratutude for all these supportive and kind responses.

Jan 7, 2017

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