mrwiseman

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mrwiseman

by Veronica Kane

Jan 6, 2017

mrwiseman, I didn't want to hijack Novel's post, so I am posting this one independently in response to yours.

Your story is my story...from 2003-2006. I won't submit a lot of details because you submitted them for me. It isn't fair and it isn't right for siblings to lay the entire responsibility of a parent's care on the shoulders of only one. Taking care of aging and dying parents is tremendously taxing and more stressful than many can imagine...and my brother and sister had one excuse after the other as to why they couldn't share in that duty.

I will say, though...when my father died, I had no problem getting them together to pick up their inheritance checks.

It has been almost 11 years since my father died and I still miss him. I loved my father and I did what I thought all children would willingly do for their parents at the end of life. I don't regret taking care of Daddy, but I regret that I saw a side to my brother and sister I didn't think I would e...See Moremrwiseman, I didn't want to hijack Novel's post, so I am posting this one independently in response to yours.

Your story is my story...from 2003-2006. I won't submit a lot of details because you submitted them for me. It isn't fair and it isn't right for siblings to lay the entire responsibility of a parent's care on the shoulders of only one. Taking care of aging and dying parents is tremendously taxing and more stressful than many can imagine...and my brother and sister had one excuse after the other as to why they couldn't share in that duty.

I will say, though...when my father died, I had no problem getting them together to pick up their inheritance checks.

It has been almost 11 years since my father died and I still miss him. I loved my father and I did what I thought all children would willingly do for their parents at the end of life. I don't regret taking care of Daddy, but I regret that I saw a side to my brother and sister I didn't think I would ever see.

I will say this to you...the good you do in this world comes back to you. So, you will be rewarded one way or another.

Thank you for being the one to step up to the plate. You are a good son.

On 1/06/17, mrwiseman wrote: > Well, > I read all your post with intense frustration and a touch of > anger. I am a caregiver. I take care of my two elderly > parents. I get little to no help from my sisters, and I get > treated shabbily on rare occasions I ask for help. I am > isolated, depressed, and slowly going into a pit of debt > which I may never get out. My sisters expect me to give 100&37; > of my income and time to this task, which I do.I get cast as > the "bad guy" often as well, because they simply do not want > to be bothered. > > So be careful casting the SIL as the bad guy here. > While I think she should have worked out a plan, it seems to > me the OP seems to think the SIL should either give up her > life and do the job full time or shut up and put mom in a > nursing home. I do not think it is unreasonable that your > husband is asked to step up and help out. It is going to be > work it and it is going to be a sacrifice, that is the job of > being a caregiver...if you don't so it somebody has too! > > It seems past wrongs/resentments are the problem here. You > don't like the lady, I get it. But, I am also very cynical of > the belief the SIL is doing all this for money...she is > probably spending more than she will ever inherit. > > Personally, I am sick to death being told to check for help > in my community. There is no help. (I live in small town USA) > I have filled out the forms, and talked, and got zip. I > always think non-caregivers wipe their hands from > responsibility with the panacea of mythical social services. > It makes them feel better that they have "done their part" by > doing absolutely nothing! > My brother in law once sent me a link to a website when I > once asked for help with a minor financial request for Mom. > It was no help, but he felt good about what he had done. I > cashed in my life insurance. > > I wish so badly they, or anyone, would just offer help...real > help with my not having to beg. I too probably sound like I > am demanding when a eventually HAVE to ask for something from > my sisters. I hate asking. > > Maybe MIL needs to go into a nursing home, but my gosh she is > your husband's mother. She is equally his responsibility. > > I guess my point is that as much as you think your sister-in- > law is unreasonable, so are you. Take a deep breath and > accept that your husband will have to help. Hopefully you can > find a a peaceful agreement between the two siblings. > > I feel sorry for Mom...even if she is a difficult old bat. > She raised and sacrificed for her kids. 'My only comfort is > when may parents pass I will know I have done right by them. >

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mrwiseman Thanks. I read many caregiver boards and know there are a lot of us out there. I am blesssed that my parents are still mentally sharp. There are still tough days. I am always tired. I do not resent my parents, but my relationships with my sisters will never be the same. That makes me saddest of all. I was having a very bad day when I read the other...See MoreThanks. I read many caregiver boards and know there are a lot of us out there. I am blesssed that my parents are still mentally sharp. There are still tough days. I am always tired. I do not resent my parents, but my relationships with my sisters will never be the same. That makes me saddest of all. I was having a very bad day when I read the other post. I just feel a keen sense of responsibility and cannot imagine putting my folks in a home. I should also add that in my youth I worked in a nursing home. They can be horrid places...and this was a "nice" nursing home. Good for you in taking care of your father. I imagine you have special memories your siblings never have. I also know that their kids probably watched how they did not help grandpa...and one day, sadly, will treat them the same way.

On 1/06/17, Veronica Kane wrote: > mrwiseman, I didn't want to hijack Novel's post, so I am posting > this one independently in response to yours. > > Your story is my story...from 2003-2006. I won't submit a lot of > details because you submitted them for me. It isn't fair and it > isn't right for siblings to lay the entire responsibility of a > parent's care on the shoulders of only one. Taking care of aging > and dying parents is tremendously taxing and more stressful than > many can imagine...and my brother and sister had one excuse after > the other as to why they couldn't share in that duty. > > I will say, though...when my father died, I had no problem getting > them together to pick up their inheritance checks. > > It has been almost 11 years since my father died and I still miss > him. I loved my father and I did what I thought all children would > willingly do for their parents at the end of life. I don't regret > taking care of Daddy, but I regret that I saw a side to my brother > and sister I didn't think I would ever see. > > I will say this to you...the good you do in this world comes back > to you. So, you will be rewarded one way or another. > > Thank you for being the one to step up to the plate. You are a > good son. > > > > > > > On 1/06/17, mrwiseman wrote: >> Well, >> I read all your post with intense frustration and a touch of >> anger. I am a caregiver. I take care of my two elderly >> parents. I get little to no help from my sisters, and I get >> treated shabbily on rare occasions I ask for help. I am >> isolated, depressed, and slowly going into a pit of debt >> which I may never get out. My sisters expect me to give 100&37; >> of my income and time to this task, which I do.I get cast as >> the "bad guy" often as well, because they simply do not want >> to be bothered. >> >> So be careful casting the SIL as the bad guy here. >> While I think she should have worked out a plan, it seems to >> me the OP seems to think the SIL should either give up her >> life and do the job full time or shut up and put mom in a >> nursing home. I do not think it is unreasonable that your >> husband is asked to step up and help out. It is going to be >> work it and it is going to be a sacrifice, that is the job of >> being a caregiver...if you don't so it somebody has too! >> >> It seems past wrongs/resentments are the problem here. You >> don't like the lady, I get it. But, I am also very cynical of >> the belief the SIL is doing all this for money...she is >> probably spending more than she will ever inherit. >> >> Personally, I am sick to death being told to check for help >> in my community. There is no help. (I live in small town USA) >> I have filled out the forms, and talked, and got zip. I >> always think non-caregivers wipe their hands from >> responsibility with the panacea of mythical social services. >> It makes them feel better that they have "done their part" by >> doing absolutely nothing! >> My brother in law once sent me a link to a website when I >> once asked for help with a minor financial request for Mom. >> It was no help, but he felt good about what he had done. I >> cashed in my life insurance. >> >> I wish so badly they, or anyone, would just offer help...real >> help with my not having to beg. I too probably sound like I >> am demanding when a eventually HAVE to ask for something from >> my sisters. I hate asking. >> >> Maybe MIL needs to go into a nursing home, but my gosh she is >> your husband's mother. She is equally his responsibility. >> >> I guess my point is that as much as you think your sister-in- >> law is unreasonable, so are you. Take a deep breath and >> accept that your husband will have to help. Hopefully you can >> find a a peaceful agreement between the two siblings. >> >> I feel sorry for Mom...even if she is a difficult old bat. >> She raised and sacrificed for her kids. 'My only comfort is >> when may parents pass I will know I have done right by them. >>

Jan 9, 2017

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Veronica Kane You're welcome. It's demanding and exhausting so, of course, you stay tired. My mother is well up in age and I already see the writing on the wall. At least, I know where I stand. LOL

Take care and good luck. The man upstairs sees your heart. :)

On 1/09/17, mrwiseman wrote: > Thanks. I read many caregiver boards and know there ...See MoreYou're welcome. It's demanding and exhausting so, of course, you stay tired. My mother is well up in age and I already see the writing on the wall. At least, I know where I stand. LOL

Take care and good luck. The man upstairs sees your heart. :)

On 1/09/17, mrwiseman wrote: > Thanks. I read many caregiver boards and know there are a lot of us out > there. I am blesssed that my parents are still mentally sharp. There are > still tough days. I am always tired. I do not resent my parents, but my > relationships with my sisters will never be the same. That makes me > saddest of all. > I was having a very bad day when I read the other post. I just feel a keen > sense of responsibility and cannot imagine putting my folks in a home. > I should also add that in my youth I worked in a nursing home. They can > be horrid places...and this was a "nice" nursing home. > Good for you in taking care of your father. I imagine you have special > memories your siblings never have. I also know that their kids probably > watched how they did not help grandpa...and one day, sadly, will treat > them the same way. > > On 1/06/17, Veronica Kane wrote: >> mrwiseman, I didn't want to hijack Novel's post, so I am posting >> this one independently in response to yours. >> >> Your story is my story...from 2003-2006. I won't submit a lot of >> details because you submitted them for me. It isn't fair and it >> isn't right for siblings to lay the entire responsibility of a >> parent's care on the shoulders of only one. Taking care of aging >> and dying parents is tremendously taxing and more stressful than >> many can imagine...and my brother and sister had one excuse after >> the other as to why they couldn't share in that duty. >> >> I will say, though...when my father died, I had no problem getting >> them together to pick up their inheritance checks. >> >> It has been almost 11 years since my father died and I still miss >> him. I loved my father and I did what I thought all children would >> willingly do for their parents at the end of life. I don't regret >> taking care of Daddy, but I regret that I saw a side to my brother >> and sister I didn't think I would ever see. >> >> I will say this to you...the good you do in this world comes back >> to you. So, you will be rewarded one way or another. >> >> Thank you for being the one to step up to the plate. You are a >> good son. >> >> >> >> >> >> >> On 1/06/17, mrwiseman wrote: >>> Well, >>> I read all your post with intense frustration and a touch of >>> anger. I am a caregiver. I take care of my two elderly >>> parents. I get little to no help from my sisters, and I get >>> treated shabbily on rare occasions I ask for help. I am >>> isolated, depressed, and slowly going into a pit of debt >>> which I may never get out. My sisters expect me to give 100&37; >>> of my income and time to this task, which I do.I get cast as >>> the "bad guy" often as well, because they simply do not want >>> to be bothered. >>> >>> So be careful casting the SIL as the bad guy here. >>> While I think she should have worked out a plan, it seems to >>> me the OP seems to think the SIL should either give up her >>> life and do the job full time or shut up and put mom in a >>> nursing home. I do not think it is unreasonable that your >>> husband is asked to step up and help out. It is going to be >>> work it and it is going to be a sacrifice, that is the job of >>> being a caregiver...if you don't so it somebody has too! >>> >>> It seems past wrongs/resentments are the problem here. You >>> don't like the lady, I get it. But, I am also very cynical of >>> the belief the SIL is doing all this for money...she is >>> probably spending more than she will ever inherit. >>> >>> Personally, I am sick to death being told to check for help >>> in my community. There is no help. (I live in small town USA) >>> I have filled out the forms, and talked, and got zip. I >>> always think non-caregivers wipe their hands from >>> responsibility with the panacea of mythical social services. >>> It makes them feel better that they have "done their part" by >>> doing absolutely nothing! >>> My brother in law once sent me a link to a website when I >>> once asked for help with a minor financial request for Mom. >>> It was no help, but he felt good about what he had done. I >>> cashed in my life insurance. >>> >>> I wish so badly they, or anyone, would just offer help...real >>> help with my not having to beg. I too probably sound like I >>> am demanding when a eventually HAVE to ask for something from >>> my sisters. I hate asking. >>> >>> Maybe MIL needs to go into a nursing home, but my gosh she is >>> your husband's mother. She is equally his responsibility. >>> >>> I guess my point is that as much as you think your sister-in- >>> law is unreasonable, so are you. Take a deep breath and >>> accept that your husband will have to help. Hopefully you can >>> find a a peaceful agreement between the two siblings. >>> >>> I feel sorry for Mom...even if she is a difficult old bat. >>> She raised and sacrificed for her kids. 'My only comfort is >>> when may parents pass I will know I have done right by them. >>>

Jan 9, 2017

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