Help! My kids the bully this week!

by Nicole

Mar 7, 2012

Hi all! I'm a teacher in Middle School, but I have a 23 month-old in daycare five days a week. He is (and I am biased) a very sweet kid and..well, normal. Yesterday the teacher in his room told me that the last couple of days he has been pushing and pulling kids. She said that ordinarily it wouldn't be a big problem, but he is very big for his age (37 lbs, 37 inches) so a little shove has a big impact. When they tell him no, he smiles at them! I'm so embarrassed! He is an only child, so I can't observe him with siblings at home. I've been talking to him, saying things like, "we don't push friends, we are gentle with friends." And then I'll repeat and say, "will you be gentle with -insert each friends name- tomorrow?" and, "No pushing -name-. You can hug -name." Any other tips?? Is this a phase? Please tell me what to do to stop it!

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Leah Just a thought: Is there any possibility that you could observe him in daycare for at least one-half hour? His behavior is probably in the normal range, but may be the result of something else going on in the classroom or in his life.

Try not to feel embarrassed. No child is perfect.

Best wishes, Leah

On 3/07/12, Nicol...See More

Mar 7, 2012

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maureen On 3/07/12, Leah wrote: > Just a thought: Is there any possibility that you could > observe him in daycare for at least one-half hour? His > behavior is probably in the normal range, but may be the > result of something else going on in the classroom or in his > life. > ! He is an only child, so I can't observe him >> with ...See MoreOn 3/07/12, Leah wrote: > Just a thought: Is there any possibility that you could > observe him in daycare for at least one-half hour? His > behavior is probably in the normal range, but may be the > result of something else going on in the classroom or in his > life. > ! He is an only child, so I can't observe him >> with siblings at home. I've been talking to him, saying >> things like, "we don't push friends, we are gentle with >> friends." And then I'll repeat and say, "will you be >> gentle with -insert each friends name- tomorrow?" >> and, "No pushing -name-. You can hug -name." Any other >> tips?? Is this a phase? Please tell me what to do to stop >> it!

My dgd is the same age and I observe her in a group of toddlers at the library each week. There are two boys about her size that have pushed her down for no reason (well one was trying to hug her from behind!) but many of the male toddlers had a tendency to push through to get to what they wanted. The caregivers are with them so they are getting one one one direction at the time it is happening. I would think telling him after the fact and not being there when it happens doesn't really resolve the issue.

First, I think it would benefit the teachers and your child by observing and seeing what might be triggering the behaviors. At this age it could be any number of reasons. One, many children this age do not get "spatial" relationships and he might simply feel they are invading his space.(so he pushes them out of the way) He might have some sensory integration issues where he NEEDS to have physical contact by pushing. (Some children need deep compression. Some need the opposite). He might be limited in his language development and simply acts instead of using words. (teachers can be teaching the words he needs) He might simply be experimenting with social skills and looking to see what he can and can't do with others. He might have seen other children doing the pushing and he is simply imitating what he has seen others do. These are just a few reasons that come to mind. By observing, the teachers can get a better handle on what and why. Then they can develop a proactive plan rather then a reactive response.

Since he is just now starting this, his teachers should be shadowing him and stopping him BEFORE he starts the pushing. before it becomes a habit. They need to be more proactive. Then they can show him how to show his feelings or thoughts and using words instead of actions. Saying to a child "We don't hit or push other children" seems odd to me since if you think from his view he is thinking but "I do hit and push other children" At this age, the teacher can still anticipate that type of behavior and can either redirect the child or stop him. "Friends don't like to be pushed". If the teacher misses and the aggression happens, the child should be shown to look at the child he hurt and be given the words. "Look at Lily's face. She is sad, When you pushed her you hurt her".

I find that something you can do as a parent is find good picture books that you can read together that shows pictures of similar behaviors and talk about them. Show the sad face of the hurt child and talk about how the child who hurt the other one, can make it up to the hurt one. Maybe an ice pack or a hug. Also take him to events (libraries have evening story hours too), where you can be there to intervene and use as a teaching moment should anything aggressive occur.

I say at his age he is NOT a bully. This is very common behavior and he can and should be learning from his loving caregivers at the time the behaviors occur appropriate interactions. Saying "no" is not enough.

Mar 7, 2012

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maureen, and I want to add... br> > from his loving caregivers at > the time the behaviors occur appropriate interactions. > Saying "no" is not enough.

I wanted to add that the key to a permanent change is when the adults catch the aggressive child (either he stops himself or the adult is able to prevent the behavior) NOT hitting or pushing when he normall...See More

Mar 7, 2012

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