Dealing with Difficult Parents

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Dealing with Difficult Parents

by SN

Dec 20, 2010

Hello Master Teachers,

I wanted to know what kind of stories you have with difficult parents and how you dealt with them . I seem to have reoccuring issues with parents having to deal with helicopter parents. I've had coworkers tell me they never have difficult parents and I find that hard to believe. What makes me different? Thanks for any input!

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eager to hear what others have to say On 12/21/10, The Parent Whisperer continues to write-

I don't know who invented the phrase 'helicopter parents' - and this will make some people mad and I hope not you and I am sincerely sorry that it makes anyone upset - but the phrase isn't a helpful one. We don't mean that phrase in any good way and when we use phrases we mean in a bad ...See MoreOn 12/21/10, The Parent Whisperer continues to write-

I don't know who invented the phrase 'helicopter parents' - and this will make some people mad and I hope not you and I am sincerely sorry that it makes anyone upset - but the phrase isn't a helpful one. We don't mean that phrase in any good way and when we use phrases we mean in a bad way - it can set the wrong tone even in our own minds.

Of course we don't say it to the parent but in the better interest of our students, I don't think it's a helpful phrase.

It's natural that parents want their children to do well in school. Here's the rub - if we give everybody As - then people say our class is too easy or we are too easy. Teachers are the front line of society's judgment and yet at the same time we've got to separate the wheat from the chaff, the smart from the not as smart etc., we're supposed to be kind and nurturing.

It's a Very difficult position in which to be put but it's society that puts us there first. Why can't parents just accept that their child isn't as smart as the others? Ouch - what parent wants to hear that? And then we go on to use words like lazy - double ouch. And even dishonest.

And while those words may be very applicable, they're fighting words. Teachers need to take a course in how to break bad news.

Some teachers catch more flak from parents than others. Some of my colleagues here are downright mean to kids - I don't think they particularly like children. Why would a parent warm up to a teacher who's mean? Some of my colleagues won't talk to a parent unless it's 'official business' and they won't smile at parents. You catch more flies with honey than vinegar (you can tell my father was from Kentucky - I use country expressions)

Some people including some teachers have no ability to be flexible and they have 'power issues' (not saying you do!) They tend to not get along with parents. Some teachers are difficult people... it's not just parents who can be difficult.

I've gone on way too long - sincere apologies. > On 12/20/10, SN wrote: >> Hello Master Teachers, >> >> I wanted to know what kind of stories you have with >> difficult parents and how you dealt with them . I seem to >> have reoccuring issues with parents having to deal with >> helicopter parents. I've had coworkers tell me they never >> have difficult parents and I find that hard to believe. >> What makes me different? Thanks for any input! > > If you're different from your colleagues, only you or they can > really say how you're different. > > When I first started teaching, I had no idea how to deal with > any parents difficult or easy. (that word 'deal' with them is > one we all use but it's not really a good one) I had a great > principal who told me to use my listening skills - we were > required to return all parent phone calls and the same day > (before e-mail). He told me if teachers were good listeners, > it could solve a lot of problems - even if we didn't have > solutions to the problems that parents were presenting to us. > > Some teachers get the hair up on their backs the minute a > parent calls - as if a parent shouldn't call at all. It's > unrealistic to expect parents not to call (not saying you do) > It's as much a part of a teacher's job to return phone calls as > it is a doctor's (not saying they always do return phone calls...) > > A colleague told me - return the call and say, "This is Joan > Rivers. You called earlier. How may I help?" > > That was good advice. I use first names - theirs and mine - but > I was older when I started teaching. I find first names creates > a friendlier air. > > Those are small things compared to this. Some teachers see > every interaction with a parent - on the phone or in person - > as a battle to be 'won'. Big mistake - such a stance does just > that - it creates battles. > > I actually got to the point where I enjoyed finding a way to > make it all work. When I did that, I never had any problems > with parents ever again - even when I did something wrong- I'm > not a perfect teacher sorry to say. But my willingness to > listen, and try to find an answer to the problem they saw, > helped and in every way. The word gets around, parents relax > around you, they call less not more (!), they trust you more > etc. etc. > > I had parents who were difficult people but when their kids > were in my class, they became much less difficult. I could > write volumes on this - more than anyone would want to read - > but I'm one of the 'Parent Whisperers.' > > I actually do want to say one thing more but if you write too > long a post, they won't let you post it.

Dec 21, 2010

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Leah The Parent Whisperer had some great ideas:

Three articles that could be helpful to you are:

Educator's Guide to Active Listening, Guidelines for Educator-Parent Conferences...: and Effective Communication. Click below and on the title of your choice. All articles are free and reproducible

Dec 22, 2010

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AnitaS. On 12/21/10, eager to hear what others have to say wrote: > On 12/21/10, The Parent Whisperer continues to write- > > I don't know who invented the phrase 'helicopter parents' - and > this will make some people mad and I hope not you and I am > sincerely sorry that it makes anyone upset - but the phrase isn't > a helpful one. We d...See MoreOn 12/21/10, eager to hear what others have to say wrote: > On 12/21/10, The Parent Whisperer continues to write- > > I don't know who invented the phrase 'helicopter parents' - and > this will make some people mad and I hope not you and I am > sincerely sorry that it makes anyone upset - but the phrase isn't > a helpful one. We don't mean that phrase in any good way and when > we use phrases we mean in a bad way - it can set the wrong tone > even in our own minds. > > Of course we don't say it to the parent but in the better interest > of our students, I don't think it's a helpful phrase. > > It's natural that parents want their children to do well in > school. Here's the rub - if we give everybody As - then people say > our class is too easy or we are too easy. Teachers are the front > line of society's judgment and yet at the same time we've got to > separate the wheat from the chaff, the smart from the not as smart > etc., we're supposed to be kind and nurturing. > > It's a Very difficult position in which to be put but it's society > that puts us there first. Why can't parents just accept that their > child isn't as smart as the others? Ouch - what parent wants to > hear that? And then we go on to use words like lazy - double ouch. > And even dishonest. > > And while those words may be very applicable, they're fighting > words. Teachers need to take a course in how to break bad news. > > Some teachers catch more flak from parents than others. Some of my > colleagues here are downright mean to kids - I don't think they > particularly like children. Why would a parent warm up to a > teacher who's mean? Some of my colleagues won't talk to a parent > unless it's 'official business' and they won't smile at parents. > You catch more flies with honey than vinegar (you can tell my > father was from Kentucky - I use country expressions) > > Some people including some teachers have no ability to be flexible > and they have 'power issues' (not saying you do!) They tend to not > get along with parents. Some teachers are difficult people... it's > not just parents who can be difficult. > > I've gone on way too long - sincere apologies. >> On 12/20/10, SN wrote: >>> Hello Master Teachers, >>> >>> I wanted to know what kind of stories you have with >>> difficult parents and how you dealt with them . I seem to >>> have reoccuring issues with parents having to deal with >>> helicopter parents. I've had coworkers tell me they never >>> have difficult parents and I find that hard to believe. >>> What makes me different? Thanks for any input! >> >> If you're different from your colleagues, only you or they can >> really say how you're different. >> >> When I first started teaching, I had no idea how to deal with >> any parents difficult or easy. (that word 'deal' with them is >> one we all use but it's not really a good one) I had a great >> principal who told me to use my listening skills - we were >> required to return all parent phone calls and the same day >> (before e-mail). He told me if teachers were good listeners, >> it could solve a lot of problems - even if we didn't have >> solutions to the problems that parents were presenting to us. >> >> Some teachers get the hair up on their backs the minute a >> parent calls - as if a parent shouldn't call at all. It's >> unrealistic to expect parents not to call (not saying you do) >> It's as much a part of a teacher's job to return phone calls as >> it is a doctor's (not saying they always do return phone calls...) >> >> A colleague told me - return the call and say, "This is Joan >> Rivers. You called earlier. How may I help?" >> >> That was good advice. I use first names - theirs and mine - but >> I was older when I started teaching. I find first names creates >> a friendlier air. >> >> Those are small things compared to this. Some teachers see >> every interaction with a parent - on the phone or in person - >> as a battle to be 'won'. Big mistake - such a stance does just >> that - it creates battles. >> >> I actually got to the point where I enjoyed finding a way to >> make it all work. When I did that, I never had any problems >> with parents ever again - even when I did something wrong- I'm >> not a perfect teacher sorry to say. But my willingness to >> listen, and try to find an answer to the problem they saw, >> helped and in every way. The word gets around, parents relax >> around you, they call less not more (!), they trust you more >> etc. etc. >> >> I had parents who were difficult people but when their kids >> were in my class, they became much less difficult. I could >> write volumes on this - more than anyone would want to read - >> but I'm one of the 'Parent Whisperers.' >> >> I actually do want to say one thing more but if you write too >> long a post, they won't let you post it.

Some of the responses here sound so easy...too easy. What if you have a parent who believes anything her son says? I had a student tell his mother that I got up in front of the class and announced that I "hate my male students." So when he misbehaved in class and was disciplined, it was merely my discriminating against his gender. She absolutely believed him and sent me a "scorching" email (copied to the principal and the superintendent)telling me that I should apologize to every male student that I have and so on and so forth...I, of course, had said nothing like that and this student was one who got into trouble often in all of his classes. So how would any of these suggestions help with a parent as unreasonable as this? In denying that I said such a thing I would be calling her son a "liar." I don't see how you can deal with this sort of person.

Jul 2, 2011

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Sara br> > Some of the responses here sound so easy...too easy. What if you > have a parent who believes anything her son says?

There are always nutty people and nutty parents. Those parents should be handled with kid gloves because manhandling them makes them worse, not better. When working with nuts, be careful not to set them off a...See Morebr> > Some of the responses here sound so easy...too easy. What if you > have a parent who believes anything her son says?

There are always nutty people and nutty parents. Those parents should be handled with kid gloves because manhandling them makes them worse, not better. When working with nuts, be careful not to set them off and NEVER think you can win a battle with a nut. You can't and you're as nutty as they are if you like fighting with them.

I build a reputation so positive - and that's not easy because it takes incredible patience - that no one will support the nutty parent in their nutty contention.

But a scorching e-mail is a sign of a nut or a borderline nut. Never worry about scorching e-mails - everyone takes them as the sign of a nut. Answer them with warm words like "I received your e-mail and am sorry that you are so upset. Kindly call me at your convenience so we can speak in person. I very much look forward to speaking with you."

She will not call - you can cc your email to your principal (never cc to the superintendant).

And no, you're not calling a child a liar because you dispute the child's recounting of an event. Say things like "If John heard something like that, it would certainly NEVER be my intention to say something like that. Certainly this district would not want to hire teachers who dislike make students so to represent the district fairly and to represent myself honestly, please know I hold all my students in warm regard - both boys and girls."

Working with people and parents takes some finesse - it's not easy, you're right, but if we leave our egos at home and tread carefully, even nutty parents can be worked with. But also fairly said, if someone doesn't want to work with parents, they shouldn't be teaching. It's a part of the job.

I had a student > tell his mother that I got up in front of the class and announced > that I "hate my male students." So when he misbehaved in class and > was disciplined, it was merely my discriminating against his gender. > She absolutely believed him and sent me a "scorching" email (copied > to the principal and the superintendent)telling me that I should > apologize to every male student that I have and so on and so > forth...I, of course, had said nothing like that and this student was > one who got into trouble often in all of his classes. So how would > any of these suggestions help with a parent as unreasonable as this? > In denying that I said such a thing I would be calling her son a > "liar." I don't see how you can deal with this sort of person.

Jul 5, 2011

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Jo But the very sad part about all of this, there are those that might hate male students and treat them accordingly. They are extremely agitated by typical boy behaviors. Thus, while a teacher may not say that they hate boys, the tone, the reprimands, etc all point to that. I've seen it. Sometimes one must look closely to see if there is any grain of...See MoreBut the very sad part about all of this, there are those that might hate male students and treat them accordingly. They are extremely agitated by typical boy behaviors. Thus, while a teacher may not say that they hate boys, the tone, the reprimands, etc all point to that. I've seen it. Sometimes one must look closely to see if there is any grain of truth or interpretation to what the child says even if it wasn't those exact words.

I can guarantee just about every teacher gets their dander up when someone says my child said. Well, there are many perspectives to things that impact the thought process of both student and teacher. Fighting about who is right is just a power trip. Find the kernel of truth which ususally means there is an issue on both sides (aside from the few and far between real nuts) and deal with the problem. That may be looking at procedures that lead up to the problem. That may mean that the student is sitting in a location that doesn't work for him.

As soon as you accuse the parent/student of lying, your battle is lost. You may squish it, but in the long run, you lost.

Recently there was a teacher at our school accused of telling a class they were stupid. In reality, this comes up just about every year. Teacher balked at that idea. Well, while the teacher defended that it was never said, the teacher explained what was said. Well, it is very easy to see why it was interpreted the way the students said it was. There was nothing positive in the comment or helpful. It was denegrating to the students and what they took away from it was they were stupid. Teacher to this day defends I didn't say they were stupid. Well, no, those exact words weren't used. The teacher didn't call the student stupid and would die on that sword to defend. However, the teacher does tend to denigrate the class in hopes it will motivate them. The teacher does compare classes and has no problem telling one how inferior they are to the other and telling the other how much better they are than the inferior class. Never said stupid.

But remember, I did say there were those problem people, but trying to be right won't get you anywere. Trying to come up with a new plan might, but you have to make sure it isn't based off of proving you are right.

On 7/05/11, Sara wrote: >> >> Some of the responses here sound so easy...too easy. What if you >> have a parent who believes anything her son says? > > There are always nutty people and nutty parents. Those parents should > be handled with kid gloves because manhandling them makes them worse, > not better. When working with nuts, be careful not to set them off and > NEVER think you can win a battle with a nut. You can't and you're as > nutty as they are if you like fighting with them. > > I build a reputation so positive - and that's not easy because it takes > incredible patience - that no one will support the nutty parent in > their nutty contention. > > But a scorching e-mail is a sign of a nut or a borderline nut. Never > worry about scorching e-mails - everyone takes them as the sign of a > nut. Answer them with warm words like "I received your e-mail and am > sorry that you are so upset. Kindly call me at your convenience so we > can speak in person. I very much look forward to speaking with you." > > She will not call - you can cc your email to your principal (never cc > to the superintendant). > > And no, you're not calling a child a liar because you dispute the > child's recounting of an event. Say things like "If John heard > something like that, it would certainly NEVER be my intention to say > something like that. Certainly this district would not want to hire > teachers who dislike make students so to represent the district fairly > and to represent myself honestly, please know I hold all my students in > warm regard - both boys and girls." > > Working with people and parents takes some finesse - it's not easy, > you're right, but if we leave our egos at home and tread carefully, > even nutty parents can be worked with. But also fairly said, if someone > doesn't want to work with parents, they shouldn't be teaching. It's a > part of the job. > > I had a student >> tell his mother that I got up in front of the class and announced >> that I "hate my male students." So when he misbehaved in class and >> was disciplined, it was merely my discriminating against his gender. >> She absolutely believed him and sent me a "scorching" email (copied >> to the principal and the superintendent)telling me that I should >> apologize to every male student that I have and so on and so >> forth...I, of course, had said nothing like that and this student was >> one who got into trouble often in all of his classes. So how would >> any of these suggestions help with a parent as unreasonable as this? >> In denying that I said such a thing I would be calling her son a >> "liar." I don't see how you can deal with this sort of person.

Jul 5, 2011

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