UC application-personal statement

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UC application-personal statement

by Jay

Nov 24, 2009

Can someone please read, critique and rank my personal statement... I really want to polish it before I submit.

Question-Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?

Answer-By December of this year, I will have achieved the single greatest tangible accomplishment of any known member of my family, and will posses something unprecedented in the entire history of my lineage - a college diploma. My beginnings were rough, and I was passed back and forth between my mother and father starting at a very young age. I lived primarily with my father, whom I cared for until he lost his battle with a terminal heart failure when I was sixteen. The next few years were very traumatic for me, as I once again was moved around from receiving home to relatives. By the time I was eighteen I was living on my own, working ...See MoreCan someone please read, critique and rank my personal statement... I really want to polish it before I submit.

Question-Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?

Answer-By December of this year, I will have achieved the single greatest tangible accomplishment of any known member of my family, and will posses something unprecedented in the entire history of my lineage - a college diploma. My beginnings were rough, and I was passed back and forth between my mother and father starting at a very young age. I lived primarily with my father, whom I cared for until he lost his battle with a terminal heart failure when I was sixteen. The next few years were very traumatic for me, as I once again was moved around from receiving home to relatives. By the time I was eighteen I was living on my own, working two jobs, and attending college. After my second year of college I realized that I was suffering from a terrible anxiety problem which was interfering with my education and personal wellbeing. After almost a year of counseling, I was diagnosed and treated for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which I manifested under the extreme stress and trauma of witnessing my father’s death and then being left with no one to care for me. The healing experience has been the most important part of my journey, and I have adapted a philosophy which I feel will be with me the rest of my life. I have an intrinsic motivation for accomplishing my own personal goals, and have worked tremendously hard to get to where I am today-healthy, happy, and independent. The lifestyle I have adapted in the wake of all my triumphs reflects my newfound faith in the endless possibilities that lay before me. I have invested my full spirit and vigor towards the two things that matter to me in life- loving and learning. I consider myself a true connoisseur of knowledge, and wish to amass all the experiences I can in this life. I have a giant heart for both humans and animals in need, and fell a great responsibility towards all that are enduring hardships. I know personally the pain and suffering that comes along with being a poor child growing up in a less than ideal home situation, which is why I have donated so much of my time to volunteer and have aimed my career goals at teaching. Looking back on all the progress I have made as well as to the future at all I hope to accomplish, I feel confident enough to say that I have surpassed any and all expectations of the normal mold for a child growing up in an abusive home.

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Inder Jay, I think that you need to improve your command over the English language....

On 11/24/09, Jay wrote: > Can someone please read, critique and rank my personal > statement... I really want to polish it before I submit. > > Question-Tell us about a personal quality, talent, > accomplishment, contribution or experience that ...See MoreJay, I think that you need to improve your command over the English language....

On 11/24/09, Jay wrote: > Can someone please read, critique and rank my personal > statement... I really want to polish it before I submit. > > Question-Tell us about a personal quality, talent, > accomplishment, contribution or experience that is > important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment > makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you > are? > > > Answer-By December of this year, I will have achieved the > single greatest tangible accomplishment of any known member > of my family, and will posses something unprecedented in > the entire history of my lineage - a college diploma. My > beginnings were rough, and I was passed back and forth > between my mother and father starting at a very young age. > I lived primarily with my father, whom I cared for until he > lost his battle with a terminal heart failure when I was > sixteen. The next few years were very traumatic for me, as > I once again was moved around from receiving home to > relatives. By the time I was eighteen I was living on my > own, working two jobs, and attending college. After my > second year of college I realized that I was suffering from > a terrible anxiety problem which was interfering with my > education and personal wellbeing. After almost a year of > counseling, I was diagnosed and treated for Post Traumatic > Stress Disorder, which I manifested under the extreme > stress and trauma of witnessing my father’s death and then > being left with no one to care for me. The healing > experience has been the most important part of my journey, > and I have adapted a philosophy which I feel will be with > me the rest of my life. I have an intrinsic motivation for > accomplishing my own personal goals, and have worked > tremendously hard to get to where I am today-healthy, > happy, and independent. The lifestyle I have adapted in the > wake of all my triumphs reflects my newfound faith in the > endless possibilities that lay before me. I have invested > my full spirit and vigor towards the two things that matter > to me in life- loving and learning. I consider myself a > true connoisseur of knowledge, and wish to amass all the > experiences I can in this life. I have a giant heart for > both humans and animals in need, and fell a great > responsibility towards all that are enduring hardships. I > know personally the pain and suffering that comes along > with being a poor child growing up in a less than ideal > home situation, which is why I have donated so much of my > time to volunteer and have aimed my career goals at > teaching. Looking back on all the progress I have made as > well as to the future at all I hope to accomplish, I feel > confident enough to say that I have surpassed any and all > expectations of the normal mold for a child growing up in > an abusive home.

Nov 24, 2009

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Jay can you elaborate a little more on that Inder?

On 11/24/09, Inder wrote: > > Jay, I think that you need to improve your command over the > English language.... > > > On 11/24/09, Jay wrote: >> Can someone please read, critique and rank my personal >> statement... I really want to polish it before I submit. >...See Morecan you elaborate a little more on that Inder?

On 11/24/09, Inder wrote: > > Jay, I think that you need to improve your command over the > English language.... > > > On 11/24/09, Jay wrote: >> Can someone please read, critique and rank my personal >> statement... I really want to polish it before I submit. >> >> Question-Tell us about a personal quality, talent, >> accomplishment, contribution or experience that is >> important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment >> makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you >> are? >> >> >> Answer-By December of this year, I will have achieved the >> single greatest tangible accomplishment of any known member >> of my family, and will posses something unprecedented in >> the entire history of my lineage - a college diploma. My >> beginnings were rough, and I was passed back and forth >> between my mother and father starting at a very young age. >> I lived primarily with my father, whom I cared for until he >> lost his battle with a terminal heart failure when I was >> sixteen. The next few years were very traumatic for me, as >> I once again was moved around from receiving home to >> relatives. By the time I was eighteen I was living on my >> own, working two jobs, and attending college. After my >> second year of college I realized that I was suffering from >> a terrible anxiety problem which was interfering with my >> education and personal wellbeing. After almost a year of >> counseling, I was diagnosed and treated for Post Traumatic >> Stress Disorder, which I manifested under the extreme >> stress and trauma of witnessing my father’s death and then >> being left with no one to care for me. The healing >> experience has been the most important part of my journey, >> and I have adapted a philosophy which I feel will be with >> me the rest of my life. I have an intrinsic motivation for >> accomplishing my own personal goals, and have worked >> tremendously hard to get to where I am today-healthy, >> happy, and independent. The lifestyle I have adapted in the >> wake of all my triumphs reflects my newfound faith in the >> endless possibilities that lay before me. I have invested >> my full spirit and vigor towards the two things that matter >> to me in life- loving and learning. I consider myself a >> true connoisseur of knowledge, and wish to amass all the >> experiences I can in this life. I have a giant heart for >> both humans and animals in need, and fell a great >> responsibility towards all that are enduring hardships. I >> know personally the pain and suffering that comes along >> with being a poor child growing up in a less than ideal >> home situation, which is why I have donated so much of my >> time to volunteer and have aimed my career goals at >> teaching. Looking back on all the progress I have made as >> well as to the future at all I hope to accomplish, I feel >> confident enough to say that I have surpassed any and all >> expectations of the normal mold for a child growing up in >> an abusive home.

Nov 24, 2009

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Dr. C Too many sentences begin with "I." Also, you need to vary your sentence lengths more. Noticed some spelling errors also.

I personally think you picked a poor feature of your past to write about. Overcoming an anxiety disorder is not exactly something what a school wants to hear about. Anxiety related problems, learning disabilities, addic...See MoreToo many sentences begin with "I." Also, you need to vary your sentence lengths more. Noticed some spelling errors also.

I personally think you picked a poor feature of your past to write about. Overcoming an anxiety disorder is not exactly something what a school wants to hear about. Anxiety related problems, learning disabilities, addictions, and personal problems are a huge barrier to student success according to my research and sometimes require a lot of institutional resources to overcome. In other words, you are one big question mark.

Haven't you accomplished something else you could talk about that demonstrates your thirst for knowledge and/or concern for animals?

Just my opinion. Some evaluators would not let your application go to the next step.

On 11/24/09, Jay wrote: > can you elaborate a little more on that Inder? > > On 11/24/09, Inder wrote: >> >> Jay, I think that you need to improve your command over the >> English language.... >> >> >> On 11/24/09, Jay wrote: >>> Can someone please read, critique and rank my personal >>> statement... I really want to polish it before I submit. >>> >>> Question-Tell us about a personal quality, talent, >>> accomplishment, contribution or experience that is >>> important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment >>> makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you >>> are? >>> >>> >>> Answer-By December of this year, I will have achieved the >>> single greatest tangible accomplishment of any known member >>> of my family, and will posses something unprecedented in >>> the entire history of my lineage - a college diploma. My >>> beginnings were rough, and I was passed back and forth >>> between my mother and father starting at a very young age. >>> I lived primarily with my father, whom I cared for until he >>> lost his battle with a terminal heart failure when I was >>> sixteen. The next few years were very traumatic for me, as >>> I once again was moved around from receiving home to >>> relatives. By the time I was eighteen I was living on my >>> own, working two jobs, and attending college. After my >>> second year of college I realized that I was suffering from >>> a terrible anxiety problem which was interfering with my >>> education and personal wellbeing. After almost a year of >>> counseling, I was diagnosed and treated for Post Traumatic >>> Stress Disorder, which I manifested under the extreme >>> stress and trauma of witnessing my father’s death and then >>> being left with no one to care for me. The healing >>> experience has been the most important part of my journey, >>> and I have adapted a philosophy which I feel will be with >>> me the rest of my life. I have an intrinsic motivation for >>> accomplishing my own personal goals, and have worked >>> tremendously hard to get to where I am today-healthy, >>> happy, and independent. The lifestyle I have adapted in the >>> wake of all my triumphs reflects my newfound faith in the >>> endless possibilities that lay before me. I have invested >>> my full spirit and vigor towards the two things that matter >>> to me in life- loving and learning. I consider myself a >>> true connoisseur of knowledge, and wish to amass all the >>> experiences I can in this life. I have a giant heart for >>> both humans and animals in need, and fell a great >>> responsibility towards all that are enduring hardships. I >>> know personally the pain and suffering that comes along >>> with being a poor child growing up in a less than ideal >>> home situation, which is why I have donated so much of my >>> time to volunteer and have aimed my career goals at >>> teaching. Looking back on all the progress I have made as >>> well as to the future at all I hope to accomplish, I feel >>> confident enough to say that I have surpassed any and all >>> expectations of the normal mold for a child growing up in >>> an abusive home.

Nov 25, 2009

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