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Preschool Teachers Chatboard

3-year-old defies athority

by LG

Mar 26, 2013

I have a child in my classroom who has just turned 3. He is very intelligent, but he has very defiant behavior. After speaking with another teacher, she thought his behavior was perhaps due to the child not having a positive male role model in his life. Nothing seems to phase this kid. I put him in time out, and he laughed at me! I would be open to any suggestions. I am running out of options (and patience). Thanks! :)

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maureen On 3/26/13, LG wrote: > I have a child in my classroom who has just turned 3. He is > very intelligent, but he has very defiant behavior. After > speaking with another teacher, she thought his behavior was > perhaps due to the child not having a positive male role > model in his life. Nothing seems to phase this kid. I put > him i...See MoreOn 3/26/13, LG wrote: > I have a child in my classroom who has just turned 3. He is > very intelligent, but he has very defiant behavior. After > speaking with another teacher, she thought his behavior was > perhaps due to the child not having a positive male role > model in his life. Nothing seems to phase this kid. I put > him in time out, and he laughed at me! I would be open to > any suggestions. I am running out of options (and > patience). Thanks! :)

I would suspect that punishment has already been used with the child and he is immune to that. Time out is never supposed to be used as a punishment, but too many adults use it that way and overuse it at that.

Building a relationship with the child to show you are interested in him as an individual is a good start. Sitting next to him while pouring sand and including him in conversation in a relaxed atmosphere is a wonderful way to build raport with him.

The fact that you have labeled him defiant tells me that you have not "won him over". Defiance is usually a self defense a child uses with others to protect his inner self. You might not be the one he is protecting himself from, but just the fact that you are an adult and fit into his preconceived idea that adults tell you what to do and if you don't do it their way, then you get punished puts you in his thoughts about adults. Discipline is supposed to be a learning process with guidance from a trusted adult in learning acceptable behaviors.

Instead of telling him what to do, give him choices that you can live with. Let's say it is time to go to the next activity, and he doesn't want to put away his toys. Ask him if he wants to put the toys away by himself or would he like someone to help him. Or if he refuses to stand in line, you can ask him if he is going to walk to his space in line, or does he need help? Most children like to be treated as capable and prefer to do things independently instead of the adult doing it for them. Most will choose doing it themselves instead of the horror of all horrors, that others think he is not capable. This takes time, follow through and consistency on the adult's end, but most children thrive under this more respectful approach to learning the thinking of doing the right thing.

As the adult in the room, always keep in mind that you never want to put yourself into the position of being in a power struggle. If you do, neither of you "wins" and it doesn't build onto a positive relationship. You want the child to learn how to do the right thing just because it is the right thing to do.

A child being forced to do something just because an adult is commanding that only shows the child that the bigger a person is, the more power he or she has over the smaller or "weaker "one. That is a training ground for bullying.

Look into yourself and discover what part you might be playing into this defiance. When we find our own role in these situations and change what we say or do, often the behaviors of the child go away. Changing ourselves is much easier then trying to force a child. Long term results are what we should be striving towards.

You might want to read I think her last name is Nelson's "Positive Discipline" to support your goals of what you would want from all the children that come into your lives.

I hope this helps.

Mar 26, 2013

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